◎趙海萍 劉繼華 寧波大學科學技術(shù)學院

讀后續(xù)寫試題分析及范例點評

◎趙海萍 劉繼華 寧波大學科學技術(shù)學院

Then Mac heard quick and loud breathing behind him.“Man,that’s a big dog!”he thought.But when he looked to the side,he saw instantly that it wasn’t a dog at all,but a wolf,quickly catching up with him.

Mac’s heart jumped.He found out his can of bear spray.With one hand on the bars,he fired the spray at the wolf.A bright red cloud enveloped the animal,and to Mac’s relief,it fell back,shaking its head.But a minute later,it was by his side again.Then it attacked the back of Mac’s bike,tearing open his tent bag.He fired at the wolf a second time,and again,it fell back only to quickly restart the chase(追趕).

Mac was pedaling hard now.He waved and yelled at passing cars but was careful not to slow down.He saw a steep uphill climb before him.He knew that once he hit the hill,he’d be easy caught up and the wolf’s teeth would be tearing into his flesh.

At this moment,Paul and Becky were driving their car on their way to Alaska.They didn’t think much of it when they saw two cyclists repairing their bike on the side of the road.A bit later,they spotted what they,too,assumed was a dog running alongside a man on a bike.As they got closer,they realized that the dog was a wolf.Mac heard a large vehicle behind him.He pulled in front of it as the wolf was catching up fast,just a dozen yards away now.

注意：

1.所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應為150左右；

2.應使用5個以上短文中標有下劃線的關(guān)鍵詞語；

3.續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好；

4.續(xù)寫完成后，請用下劃線標出你所使用的關(guān)鍵詞語。

試題要點分析

短文梗概M a c與兩位朋友騎車去阿拉斯加，兩位朋友因修車落后，M a c獨自前行，遇到一頭狼。M a c用防狼噴霧劑應付，狼仍然緊追不舍，并發(fā)起攻擊。同時，P a u l與B e c k y駕駛汽車去阿拉斯加，正好看到狼在追逐M a c。故事線索與邏輯情節(jié)上，短文有兩條線索：一是M a c遇狼，二是P a u l和B e c k y路上所見。兩條線索開始時是平行的，互不相干，至短文結(jié)束時相交，到續(xù)寫部分要求重疊（M a c應在P a u l和B e c k y的幫助下脫險）。一般而言，這兩條線索最后如不重疊，則很難符合短文情節(jié)的發(fā)展邏輯。從背景看，故事中人物旅行的目的地都是阿拉斯加，短文雖然沒有點明從何地前往阿拉斯加，但阿拉斯加是美國的一個州，屬比較大的地方，邏輯上不太可能在幾分鐘后到達。從人物看，本次考試所給短文共有人物五位，為M a c、M a c的兩位朋友、P a u l與B e c k y，從姓名判斷，其中B e c k y應為女性，M a c與P a u l為男性，M a c的兩位朋友性別不詳。從人物關(guān)系看，P a u l,B e c k y兩人與M a c其實并不認識。從人物行為看，M a c的兩個朋友落后，M a c遇險時他們不在場，至續(xù)寫部分的第二段才到達。正確理解原文線索和邏輯，對續(xù)寫任務的順利完成起著至關(guān)重要的作用，續(xù)寫部分邏輯是否嚴密，主要取決于對原文的理解。關(guān)鍵詞語與2 0 1 6年1 0月的考題一樣，本次讀后續(xù)寫短文所畫關(guān)鍵詞語基本涵蓋短文和續(xù)寫所必須涉及的要素：人物：M a c,f r i e n d s,P a u l矛盾對象：w o l f（從故事情節(jié)來看，把狼放入人物一類也無妨）環(huán)境：c l i m b（名詞，上坡）行為動作：p e d a l e d,j u m p e d器物：b i c y c l e,c a r其他相關(guān)因素：h o m e這些關(guān)鍵詞語對續(xù)寫部分的內(nèi)容做了大致限制，使續(xù)寫的故事與所給短文保持緊密的關(guān)系。同時，這些詞語大多數(shù)是故事續(xù)寫所必須用到的，因此，按要求使用5個以上應該不成問題。續(xù)寫段落與開頭語要求續(xù)寫兩段，第一段開頭語為：“T h e c a r a b r u p t l y s t o p p e d i n f r o n t o f h i m.”說明P a u l和B e c k y將與M a c發(fā)生交集，很可能是幫助M a c脫險。第二段開頭語為：“A f e w m i n u t e s l a t e r,t h e o t h e r t w o c y c l i s t s a r r i v e d.”表明M a c的兩位朋友來到事發(fā)現(xiàn)場。

答題建議

文體結(jié)構(gòu)內(nèi)容語言形式記敘文體。重在講述故事，應避免輕易議論。本次讀后續(xù)寫短文就是簡單地講述一個事件，沒有什么高深偉大的思想。有的考生喜歡“心靈雞湯”式的故事結(jié)尾，在記敘文最后提煉出提升文章思想層次的議論型語句，這類語句，如提煉得好，用得巧妙，能給文章添彩。但就此篇故事來看，絕大多數(shù)考生能夠提煉成的“格言警句”，無非就是“a l w a y s r e m e m b e r t o g i v e a h a n d w h e n s o m e o n e i s i n n e e d”，有人可能會認為這樣的“雞湯”“高大上”，實際上并不符合短文目的，在邏輯上與短文相接存在較大難度。議論所占比例過大時，尤其顯得不倫不類。分兩段，共1 5 0詞左右，兩段詞數(shù)最好能基本平衡，一般應避免一段過長一段過短的情況。每段開頭語已經(jīng)限制了情景條件，因此每一段的故事發(fā)展邏輯應與短文和每段開頭語相符。一般來說，這樣的故事以M a c最終脫險為宜。當然，如果M a c最后命喪狼口，也并不是完全不符合事實邏輯。從內(nèi)容的兩段分配來看，第二段M a c的朋友到達時，M a c可能已經(jīng)脫險，也可能仍未脫險，兩種情況都應該是符合情節(jié)邏輯的。時態(tài)上，短文敘述發(fā)生在過去的一件事情，采用過去時。短文語言總體較為平實，沒有過于特別的句式，也沒有大詞、生僻詞，但有一些生動地道的表達法（如“t h e w o l f’s t e e t h w o u l d b e t e a r i n g i n t o h i s f l e s h”）。續(xù)寫時最好能延續(xù)這種風格，用詞和句式上可以有變化，描寫上可以盡量生動，但不應盲目追求所謂的“高大上”，應以干凈、明白、有表現(xiàn)力為準。描寫中可恰當使用一些對話，但需注意不應過多，尤其是不應有過多過于簡單的對話，否則無法在有限的空間里展示語言運用能力。除總結(jié)性的語句外，應注重細節(jié)，多使用描繪性、描述性的語言，而不是說明性的語言。要恰當使用語句連接成分，但需要注意的是，能夠完成語句連接任務的并不只有連接詞和連接性副詞及詞組，它還包括其他許多手段，如代詞（代名詞、代動詞）、某些修辭手法（如重復、平行結(jié)構(gòu)等）、甚至句式變換等。續(xù)寫語句的文氣應與開頭語相接，所續(xù)寫語句相互之間的文氣也應相接，使文章自然流暢，符合語言邏輯。本次考試兩句開頭語對接續(xù)語句主位的要求并不十分嚴格，兩段都可從M a c的角度接寫，第一段也可從P a u l和B e c k y的角度接寫，第二段從M a c朋友的角度接寫也很自然。最好能緊接每段開頭語續(xù)寫，使開頭語與續(xù)寫部分形成一個完整的段落。如果是在開頭語行下方開始續(xù)寫，實際上就是另外一段了。書寫應規(guī)范工整。不要忘記給所用的關(guān)鍵詞畫上底線。1 0個關(guān)鍵詞不必全部用到，但最好能超過5個。

習作點評

學生習作1

The car abruptly stopped in front of him.“Man,come in quickly!”shouted Paul.Hearing the voice,Mac got off the bicycle and jumped into the car without hesitation.Before Mac could say a word,the car rushed at an incredibly high speed.Looking back through thewindow,he found the wolf gradually disappeared in the dark night.After arriving at a safe place,Mac explained what had just happened and thanked Paul and Becky.Then he made a call to inform his friends of his location.

A few minutes later,the other two cyclists arrived.When told about Mac’s frightening experience,the two were astonished with their mouths widely open,for they didn’t meet any animal on their way.Worried about coming across the wolf again,Paul offered to drive them to Alaska wholeheartedly.With two bicycles placed in the back of the car,they set off in the bright sunrise.Staring at the breath-taking scenery along the way,Mac said to himself,“But I never want to show my family to this place!”

點評1

這篇習作描寫細致，文氣較為通暢，語言面貌總體相當不錯，較好地完成了交際任務。習作故事情節(jié)設(shè)計合理，與短文融洽度高，人物行為與場景描述細膩，同時穿插心理描繪，有動有靜，有聲有色。習作語言富于變化，在描寫過程中恰當?shù)厥褂昧瞬簧倬哂休^強表現(xiàn)力的細節(jié)描述性語言，如“Before Mac could say a word”“at an incredibly high speed”“their mouths widely open”等，使故事非常生動。當然，習作也存在一些問題。首先，習作使用了“in the dark night”與“in the bright sunrise”兩個表示時間的短語，是邏輯上的失誤。所給短文開始說的是“a bright,warm July afternoon”。從短文和續(xù)寫的描述看，自Mac與狼遭遇到擺脫狼的追逐，并沒有用太多的時間，因此在黑夜中看著狼離去的說法不成立。后來，開車到達安全場所，Mac講述了經(jīng)過，幾分鐘后，朋友到達，不久就是燦爛的日出，也不成立。這一時間邏輯的失誤可能是考生未能透徹理解原文所致。另外，Mac最后一句所說的“But”也存在邏輯斷層。語法上，“the wolf graduallydisappeared”和“they didn’t meet any animal”時 態(tài) 不 當 ，“the two were astonished with their mouths widely open”的語句結(jié)構(gòu)、“wholeheartedly”的位置等也還應該更精細地推敲。詞匯方面，將表示驚嘆的“man”當作對人的稱呼是一個錯誤，詞組“without hesitation”不但多余，而且削弱了時間的短促感，也不妥當。但總體而言，這些問題不影響意義傳達。本篇習作詞匯與語法結(jié)構(gòu)較為豐富、準確，語句間連接成分非常有效，標點非常準確。習作產(chǎn)出158詞（不含開頭語），使用了6個關(guān)鍵詞語。根據(jù)本次考試浙江省考生的總體情況，如不考慮“in the dark night”與“in the bright sunrise”誤用所導致的邏輯缺陷，單從語言能力來看，本篇習作可判為第五檔。

學生習作2

The car abruptly stopped in front of him.At that moment,Mac jumped to the top of the car.Fortunately,he succeeded.Then,realizing what is happening,Paul drove the car away quickly.After a few minutes,the car stopped again.Mac jumped down and thanked Paul and Becky.“It seemed that you had an exciting experience!”Paul said,laughing.“Oh,yes!It was really exciting and I would be caught by the wolf without your help.”Mac replied,“I must wait for my friends!Thank you again.”

A few minutes later,the other two cyclists arrived.Noticing that Mac was standing alone without his bicycle,they asked Mac what had happened.Mac told them the wolf,the help of Paul and Becky’s.“Wow,it was amazing!”They shouted.“But you will never know what I felt at that time.My heart jumped widely.”Mac said.“Don’t worry,I think it must be an unforgettable pedaling experience for you.You should value it.”O(jiān)ne of Mac’s friends tried to comfort him.“But now,how can I go home without my bicycle?”

點評2

矯形方式為棒平移矯形，邊界條件為約束T1椎體上部在X、Y軸方向上的自由度，同時約束骶骨和骨盆的自由度。矯形上棒時將棒預彎一定角度，凹側(cè)上棒矯形。手術(shù)節(jié)段為T2 ～ L2。上棒矯形過程中沒有考慮肌肉和胸廓對手術(shù)的影響。術(shù)后測量胸椎、胸腰段和腰椎曲度，同時測量螺釘對應的拔出力。

這篇習作與短文融洽度較高，與段落開頭語銜接緊密。邏輯上，除開頭的“jumped to the top of the car”和最后的“without my bicycle”外，總體沒有什么問題。應該說，這篇習作還是比較順利地完成了交際任務的。語言面貌上，與上一篇習作相比，本篇問題稍多一些。一是語法錯誤，如“realizing what is happening”“you had an exciting experience”“I would be caught by the wolf”“it must be an unforgettable pedaling experience”中時與體的誤用，“told them the wolf”中介詞的缺失，“Mac told them the wolf”與“the help of Paul and Becky’s”之間連接詞的缺失等?！皐hat I felt at that time”中的“what”（關(guān)系代詞）與“how”（關(guān)系副詞）的混淆也屬語法問題。二是詞匯意義不清，主要體現(xiàn)在“amazing”一詞上。三是拼寫（“widely”）、標點和大小寫等問題（“without your help”,“My heart jumped widely”和“You should value it”后應為逗號，“Mac replied”和“Don’t worry”后均應用句號，“They shouted”中的“They”和“One of Mac’s friends tried to comfort him”中的“One”首字母均應小寫）。四是語言邏輯問題，如“Fortunately,he succeeded”一句其實是多余的，因為上一句的“Mac jumped to the top of the car”其實就是“he succeeded”。這種多余的表述雖然不影響意義，但阻礙了文氣，教學中應該多加注意。本篇習作產(chǎn)出164詞（不含開頭語），使用了7個關(guān)鍵詞語?？傮w而言，習作對語法結(jié)構(gòu)以及詞匯的豐富性和準確性有較好的注意，所出現(xiàn)的問題對意義的表達影響不大，總體文氣較為流暢，可判為第四檔。

學生習作3

The car abruptly stopped in front of him.Paul shouted to Mac.“Come on!”Without hesitation,Mac jumped into the car leaving his bicycle.The wolf looked angry.The wolf hit his bicycle without mercy.Wandering for a while,the wolf left.After a long time to calm down,Mac began to said in a weak voice,“I just thought I would never see my wife and my lovely daughters again.It is your kindness that saved my life!”

A few minutes later,the other two cyclists arrived.They were shocked at what they have seen,a broken bicycle and Mac was worn-out.They asked,“Hey brother!What’s wrong with you?”Mac explained what happened to him and introduced his new friends to them.Mac said,“Without their help,I won’t survive.And what happened to me revealed that we should give other a hand when they are in need.”What a dangerous pedaling!

點評3

這篇習作與所給短文融洽度高，與所提供的開頭語銜接非常緊密，故事設(shè)計符合邏輯，描寫生動，如狼攻擊Mac時的樣子、Mac的朋友詢問時的語氣等都給人如在眼前之感。但在語言使用上，本篇習作問題稍多。語法方面，有時態(tài)錯誤（如“They were shocked at what they have seen”“Mac explained what happened to him”“I won’t survive”等）、非謂語動詞錯誤（如“Wandering for a while”“to calm down”“began to said”）、數(shù)的錯誤（“give other a hand”）、標點錯誤（“Paul shouted to Mac”后應為逗號）等，也有句式結(jié)構(gòu)不平衡的問題（“a broken bicycle and Mac was worn-out”）和銜接不合理的問題（如“The wolf hit his bicycle”中的“The wolf”與前一句主語重復）。詞匯方面，有些詞匯由于意義理解不準確而誤用，如將“l(fā)eaving his bicycle behind”與“l(fā)eaving his bicycle”混淆；有的則是對語境要求不清楚而誤用，如“Come on”。此外還有一些粗心所致的小錯誤，如關(guān)鍵詞畫線時將標點符號也一起畫了進去（“Mac.”和“pedaling!”）。幸而以上這些錯誤對意義的傳達并不產(chǎn)生大的影響，不至于過分損及交際任務的完成。本篇習作共產(chǎn)出139詞（不含開頭語），使用了8個關(guān)鍵詞語，寫出了較多內(nèi)容，行為描寫與對話穿插，語句結(jié)構(gòu)與詞匯富于變化，連接手段有效，文氣較為連貫，意義傳達效果良好，較好地滿足了任務的要求，是一篇合格的作文，可判為第三檔的高分。

學生習作4

The car abruptly stopped in front of him.Mac ask them for help,he said the wolf chased him long time.He was very tired.At that moment,the wolf arrived.It was very big.Paul and Becky climbed the car to found something to make it go back.They found two chair and a wood.So they slowly caught the wolf and then use the wood to make it died.They were very tired and afraid.But finally the won the“war”They felt they were lucky dogs,They all didn’t die.

A few minutes later,the other two cyclists arrived.Mac told his friends what happened a few minutes ago.They were very surprised and asked Mac he was ok?Mac told them he is ok and extended his gratitude to Paul and Becky.Because they helped him,he was live.And they went back home.Mac decided to ask his parents and wife what happened.He thought it was surprised.It was aamuseing experence.It was personal and someone nerer met or experenced.He was very lucky.

這篇習作內(nèi)容上與所給短文關(guān)系密切，與所提供各段落開頭語也有很好的銜接，寫出了較多內(nèi)容，文氣基本連貫，但邏輯上和語言上都存在較多錯誤。邏輯上，續(xù)寫的最后提到Mac決定問父母親和妻子發(fā)生了什么事情，并覺得所發(fā)生的事情驚人，與故事內(nèi)容相左。語言方面，語法錯誤較多，有時態(tài)錯誤（如“Mac ask them for help”“Mac told his friends what happened”“Mac told them he is ok”等）、句式結(jié)構(gòu)錯誤（如“asked Mac he was ok”）、動詞形式錯誤（如“to found something”“to make it died”等）、標點斷句錯誤（如標點缺失、逗號誤作句號）等。本篇習作的詞匯錯誤也非常突出，計有詞性與數(shù)的錯誤（如“two chair and a wood”）、副詞錯誤（如“a few minutes ago”）、形容詞錯誤（如“it was surprised”）、冠詞錯誤（“a amuseing experence”）、拼寫錯誤（如“the won the‘war’”“amuseing”“experence”“nerer”）等。此外，習作還存在詞匯不夠用而采取“繞彎子”導致意義表達不明確（如“found something to make it go back”和“use the wood to make it died”）的情況。比較嚴重的問題，是由于詞義不清而致意義傳達受到影響，如“It was personal and someone nerer met or experenced”就無法讓人理解。幸而這些情況出現(xiàn)并不多，總體上看，本篇習作產(chǎn)出164詞（不含開頭語），使用了6個關(guān)鍵詞語（畫線5個），全文內(nèi)容基本連貫，意義傳達雖然受到一點影響，但基本完成了交際任務，可判為第三檔中段。

學生習作5

The car abruptly stopped in front of him.But there was stil a long distance.Mac realized so long as he Predales to the car,he would be saved.Unfortunately,he couldn’t even breath with running out of the energy.The wolf was going to catch him.Paul shouted in order to remind him,but he couldn’t recognized what he said.when his heart couldn’t jamped,his mind turned up his home with his wife and daughter.Instantly,he stuck to pedaled.The car was near and near,and the wolf was also near and near.He found the car is in the face,andgave up his bicycle,ran to the car.He made it!He escaped from the wolf.

A few minutes later,the other two cyclists arrived.They astonished what happened on their friend,and nothing could express their apology for leaving Mac alone.He was tired but still gave a smile to them,which let they knew he had forgiven them.It also let Mac knew life was So lucky that he Should take use of every seconds.

點評5

與上一篇習作相似，這篇習作與所給短文融洽度也較高，與所提供各段落開頭語也有很好的銜接，寫出了較多內(nèi)容，文氣基本連貫。語言上，上一篇習作中存在的問題這一篇中基本都存在，如時、體、態(tài)方面的錯誤，非謂語動詞形式的錯誤、介詞的錯誤、名詞數(shù)的錯誤、代詞格的錯誤（“l(fā)et they knew”）等等，大小寫錯誤（如“Predales”,“when his heart couldn’t jamped”,“l(fā)ife was So lucky that he Should take use”）與拼寫錯誤則明顯多于上一篇。更為嚴重的是，指代混亂（如第一段中的“he”與“him”究竟是指Paul還是Mac不清楚）、選詞不當（如“he couldn’t even breath with running out of the energy”“his mind turned up his home”“the car is in the face”）、詞語搭配不當（如“he stuck to pedaled”）等問題導致意義的傳達受到較為嚴重的影響。本篇習作共產(chǎn)出165詞（不含開頭語），使用了6個關(guān)鍵詞語，多數(shù)情況下意義傳達基本順利，語言上，詞匯較為豐富，對于較復雜的結(jié)構(gòu)也有較好的嘗試，長短相較，可判為第二檔。

學生習作6

The car abruptly stopped in front of him.Mac’s heart jumped.He know If he stop he will be wolf’s teeth to tear into his flesh.So he was loud told until a people under the car.He finded he is a policeman.He pedaled to that man for help.That man saw a wolf was chase this man.So he shake it.The man was living.He could go home with his family.He thanks that man for help.

A few minutes later,the other two cyclists arrived.They saw the wolf was died.They very happy.Paul thanks Mac and another.Then they brought this wolf to the zoo.

點評6

應該說，這篇習作與所給短文關(guān)系密切，與所提供各段落開頭語也有很好的銜接，但總體面貌簡陋，考生共產(chǎn)出94詞（不含開頭語），而且語句過于簡單，語法與詞匯錯誤很多，尤其嚴重的是，邏輯上出現(xiàn)了很大的漏洞，如Mac發(fā)現(xiàn)Paul的車底有一名警察、Paul感謝Mac等。有許多地方由于語言錯誤導致意義無法理解，如“he was loud told until a people under the car”“he shake it”“The man was living”等。另外，敘述上還有自相矛盾的地方，如先寫了“They saw the wolf was died”，后又說“they brought this wolf to the zoo”，讓人摸不著頭腦，表明考生邏輯思考不夠縝密?？傮w來看，本篇習作雖然與所提供短文和開頭語有較好的銜接，關(guān)鍵詞語的使用（5個）也符合要求，語句間也有一定的連接成分，但產(chǎn)出內(nèi)容太少，語法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯項目都很有限，語言面貌不佳，全文內(nèi)容也不夠連貫，交際任務完成情況差，可判為第一檔。

結(jié)語

結(jié)合浙江省高考英語學科評卷有關(guān)評分原則及各檔次的給分范圍和要求，我們對一些考生習作做了點評分析。總體來看，與2016年10月浙江省新高考首考相比，2017年6月高考英語讀后續(xù)寫考生答題情況有較大的進步，主要表現(xiàn)在續(xù)寫內(nèi)容與所給短文融洽度以及與所提供各段落開頭語銜接的合理程度均有較大提高，情節(jié)的設(shè)計更為合理，內(nèi)容的連貫性有所加強，關(guān)鍵詞的使用更為自然完善。語言上，語法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯的豐富性和準確性均有較大提高，語言錯誤和盲目追求所謂“高大上”的情況呈現(xiàn)逐漸減少的趨勢，細節(jié)描繪和語言生動性得到了足夠的重視。這些都體現(xiàn)了浙江省半年多來高中英語寫作教學的進步。今后如能更多加強輸入的訓練，在原文理解和邏輯組織上多下功夫，相信浙江省高中英語寫作教學一定能取得更加顯著的成效。

責任編輯：李益