趙海萍 劉繼華

2017年11月浙江省高考英語科目寫作第二節(jié)依然是讀后續(xù)寫，要求考生閱讀一篇短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)續(xù)寫，使短文與續(xù)寫部分合成一個完整的故事。自2016年10月實行新高考以來，三次英語考試寫作第二節(jié)均為讀后續(xù)寫，之所以如此，其中一個原因可能是，相比于其他類型考題而言，讀后續(xù)寫對測試學生的實際寫作水平具有較高的有效性。這一點，從本次考試的試題與答題情況也可看出。

一、題型分析

與上兩次考試一樣，本次讀后續(xù)寫題依然是結合了對考生輸入（input）與輸出（output）兩種語言能力的考查（關于這兩者能力的考查和讀后續(xù)寫文體特征等，請參見筆者發(fā)表于本刊2017年第3期的《浙江省高考英語讀后續(xù)寫試題分析及范例點評》一文）。但是，雖然同屬記敘文，本次考試所給短文的故事線索與邏輯復雜程度明顯高于上兩次，主要表現(xiàn)為次要信息較多，對考生把握情節(jié)主線有較強的干擾（具體見本文“試題要點分析”和“答題建議”）。從這一點來看，本次考試對考生的輸入考查要求遠高于上兩次。另外，從所給段落開頭語來看，第二段的開放性很強，考生可以有多種情節(jié)接續(xù)的可能，甚至可以有體裁的轉換。結合這兩點，可以說，本次讀后續(xù)寫交際任務是否能很好地完成，基本上取決于對所給短文閱讀理解任務完成的情況。這給我們的啟示是，讀后續(xù)寫教學要見成效，閱讀教學上所花的功夫絕對不能少。

二、題目要求

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進行續(xù)寫，使之構成一個完整的故事。

A Vacation with My Mother

I had an interesting childhood. It was filled with surprises and amusements， all because of my mother—loving， sweet， and yet absent-minded and forgetful. One strange family trip we took when I was eleven tells a lot about her.

My two sets of grandparents lived in Colorado and North Dakota， and my parents decided to spend a few weeks driving to those states and seeing all the sights along the way. As the first day of our trip approached， David， my eight-year-old brother， and I unwillingly said good-bye to all of our friends. Who knew if wed ever see them again？ Finally， the moment of our departure arrived， and we loaded suitcases， books， games， camping equipment， and a tent into the car and bravely drove off. We bravely drove off again two hours later after wed returned home to get the purse and travelers checks Mom had forgotten.

David and I were always a little nervous when using gas station bathrooms if Mom was driving while Dad slept： “You stand outside the door and play lookout （放哨） while I go， and Ill stand outside the door and play lookout while you go.” I had terrible pictures in my mind： “Honey， where are the kids？” “What？！ Oh， Gosh… I thought they were being awfully quiet.” We were never actually left behind in a strange city， but we werent about to take any chances.

On the fourth or fifth night， we had trouble finding a hotel with a vacancy. After driving in vain for some time， Mom suddenly got a great idea： Why didnt we find a house with a likely-looking backyard and ask if we could set up tent there？ David and I became nervous. To our great relief， Dad turned down the idea. Mom never could understand our objections （反對）. If a strange family showed up on her front doorsteps， Mom would have been delighted. She thinks everyone in the world is as nice as she is. We finally found a vacancy in the next town.

注意：

1.所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應為150左右；

2.至少使用5個短文中標有下劃線的關鍵詞語；

3.續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好；

4.續(xù)寫完成后，請用下劃線標出你所使用的關鍵詞語。

三、試題要點分析

四、答題建議

[文體 以記敘文體為主。尤其是續(xù)寫的第一段，因所給短文第四段母親的野營提議沒有通過，續(xù)寫第一段又提出帳篷，應圍繞帳篷接續(xù)故事，避免輕易議論。但是，本次考試與上兩次考試有一明顯區(qū)別，就是續(xù)寫第二段所給開頭語既可視作總起性語言，也可視作總結性語言，如果視作總結性語言，則故事已經(jīng)結束，考生接下去甚至可用整段抒發(fā)感情或發(fā)表議論，如此，則續(xù)寫部分的文體可以是記敘文和說明文（議論文）各占一半。這樣的做法，在前兩次考試中顯得不夠合理，但在這一次考試中是非常自然的。這一點也提醒我們，寫作的教學不能盲目教條，一切應該視具體情況靈活處理。 結構 分兩段，共150詞左右，兩段詞數(shù)最好能基本平衡，一般應避免一段過多一段過少的情況。 內容 結合續(xù)寫部分所給段落開頭語來看，真正的故事發(fā)展從第四段開始，前三段只不過都是為了說明母親的健忘。續(xù)寫的部分，應著重講述圍繞母親健忘所發(fā)生的趣事。同時，由于原文多次提到母親“l(fā)oving”“sweet”“nice”的性格特征，在續(xù)寫中最好能將這些性格與健忘結合起來。另外，如前所述，續(xù)寫的第二段開放性較大，考生可敘事，可說明，可議論，甚至還可以寫一點本次旅程以外的內容，對于考查學生的輸出能力是很有利的。本篇故事有一定的思想性，考生在續(xù)寫部分如將故事做恰當?shù)奶釤捄蜕A，應該得到鼓勵。需要特別指出的是，所給短文（含標題）中提到了“vacation”“an interesting childhood”“surprises and amusements”“strange”等，這些內容一方面給續(xù)寫提供了一些可用的線索，但另一方面卻容易干擾考生對故事主線的把握，考生在閱讀所給短文和續(xù)寫的過程中可以不加特別關注。同理，原文中一些描述和說明，如“... unwillingly said good-bye to all of our friends. Who knew if wed ever see them again？”“You stand outside the door and play lookout while I go， and Ill stand outside the door and play lookout while you go.”“I had terrible pictures in my mind： ‘Honey， where are the kids？ ‘What？！ Oh， Gosh ... I thought they were being awfully quiet.”等，對部分考生的理解可能具有較大難度，但其實這些語句除了說明母親的健忘外，對故事主線的發(fā)展并沒有制約與貢獻，考生在續(xù)寫時也可不加特別關注。 語言 時態(tài)上，所給短文敘述發(fā)生在過去的一件事情，采用過去時。續(xù)寫時，記敘文體部分沿用過去時，抒情或議論部分則要視情況區(qū)別對待：如是針對當時（過去）情況，則用過去時；如是針對普遍情況，則用現(xiàn)在時。短文語言總體較為平實，沒有過于特別的句式，也沒有大詞生僻詞，但描寫生動，還有一些幽默的表達法（如“My two sets of grandparents”“We bravely drove off again ... ”以及加油站里的對話等）。續(xù)寫時最好能延續(xù)這種風格。當然，所給短文的幽默不太容易察知和模擬，但平實的風格應該在續(xù)寫中得到體現(xiàn)，在此基礎上，用詞和句式可以有變化，描寫可以盡量生動，但不應盲目追求所謂的“高大上”，應以意義的恰當傳達為準則，使用干凈、明白、有表現(xiàn)力的語言。描寫中可恰當使用一些對話，但須注意不應過多，尤其是不應有過多過于簡單的對話，否則無法在有限的空間里展示語言運用能力。記敘文體部分應注重細節(jié)，多使用描繪性、描述性的語言，不要過多使用說明性的語言。抒情或議論部分可恰當使用說明性、總結性的語言。要恰當使用語句連接成分，但需要注意的是，能夠完成語句連接任務的并不只有連接詞和連接性副詞及詞組，還包括其他許多手段，如代詞（代名詞、代動詞）、某些修辭手法（如重復、平行結構等），甚至句式變換等。續(xù)寫語句的文氣應與開頭語相接，所續(xù)寫語句相互之間的文氣也應相接，使文章自然流暢，符合語言邏輯。本次考試所給短文由于人物與事件關系相對比較簡單，兩句開頭語對接續(xù)語句主位的要求并不十分嚴格，考生在這一方面基本都能很好地完成任務。 形式 應緊接每段開頭語續(xù)寫，使開頭語與續(xù)寫部分形成一個完整的段落。如果是在開頭語行下方開始續(xù)寫，實際上就是另外一段了，不符合試題“續(xù)寫部分分為兩段”的說明（亦即要求）。書寫應規(guī)范工整。不要忘記給所用的關鍵詞語畫上底線。10個關鍵詞語不必全部用到，但至少要用到5個。 ]

五、習作點評

[學生習作1]

The next day we remembered the brand-new tent we had brought with us. Thinking of this tent， Mom suggested that we go camping in the next village in excitement， with eyes glittering. Considering her enthusiasm， we all agreed. When the door of our car opened， Mom stormed out instantly and urged us to put up the tent. David and I were asked to pick up some branches to build a fire. And when we came back， Dad and Mom had already lain on the grass comfortably in front of the tent， talking merrily with a local boy at our age， who always cast a glimpse at this tent curiously. Soon we learnt that the boy in rags even didnt have a home to live. Of course， Mom “forgot” to take this tent with us again.

We drove through several states and saw lots of great sights along the way. And we also had a nice time living with my grandparents during that vacation. But what impressed me most was that tent， which was forgotten deliberately by Mom. Though she did love going camping， she presented that poor boy with this tent out of sympathy. It was Mom that made my childhood colorful. And it was also she that showed me the true meaning of giving.

點評1

這篇習作描寫細致，文氣較為通暢，語言面貌總體相當不錯，較好地完成了交際任務。習作故事情節(jié)設計合理，與短文融洽度高，人物行為描寫細膩（如爸爸媽媽躺在草地上的情景），同時穿插心理描繪（如男孩不?？磶づ竦难凵瘢瑒屿o結合，第二段的說明解釋與故事結合緊密，非常合理。習作語言富于變化，如語言結構上復雜句與簡單句、長句與短句錯雜使用，尤其是兩段結尾的短句，使文章顯得有力。文章將“forgot”一詞放在引號中，說明媽媽此次的健忘乃是出于其“l(fā)oving”與“sweet”的美好品格，使續(xù)寫的故事出乎意料之外，又在情理之中，而且提升了故事的主題思想，還給續(xù)寫第二段的情感抒發(fā)做了鋪墊。此外，習作有較好的修辭意識，尤其是結尾兩句用了平行結構，用兩個分裂句強調了母親的優(yōu)良品質，很好地使文章思想得到了升華，是習作的閃光之處。習作在描寫過程中恰當?shù)厥褂昧艘恍┚哂休^強表現(xiàn)力的細節(jié)描述性語言，如“Mom stormed out”“talking merrily”“always cast a glimpse at this tent curiously”等，使故事非常生動。當然，習作中存在的問題也是明顯的。首先，習作在語法知識應用上尚顯幼稚，如“eyes”前缺失限定詞“her”，“didnt have a home to live”后缺失介詞“in”等。其次，詞匯方面，習作對一些詞的詞義把握不清，如不清楚“glimpse”與“glance”，“l(fā)iving”與“staying”，“grass”與“l(fā)awn”的區(qū)別；一些詞的詞性與用法掌握不精，如用“had already lain”來表達“躺在；已經(jīng)躺下”的概念（應為“had already lain down”或“were already lying”）；等等。但總體而言，這些問題對意義傳達影響不大。當然，如能將這些問題修正，同時調整一些語句（如將“always cast a glimpse”改為“kept glancing”等），則將更加完善。本篇習作詞匯與語法結構較為豐富，語句間連接成分有效，標點準確。習作產出188詞（不含開頭語），應用了5個關鍵詞語，寫出了較多內容。根據(jù)本次考試考生的總體情況，本篇習作建議判為第五檔。

[學生習作2]

The next day we remembered the brand-new tent we had brought with us. The reason was that we couldnt find a hotel， meaning that our tent had to be used and Moms dream came true. Unexpectedly， David noticed that Mon disappeared after dinner. Eventually， it was Dad that found Mom. This absent-minded and forgetful woman explained that she just wanted to seek some charming flowers but got lost finally. However， thanks to Mom， we found a new way with more beautiful views where she got lost.

We drove through several states and saw lots of great sights along the way. All of a sudden， as driving， Mom asked， “Where is our camping equipment？” In the end， we had to accept the fact that we ought to return to find it left by Mom. In that time， I thought this trip was in a mess because of Mom. But its obvious for me today that our trip should have been boring without this loving and sweet lady. There is no person even a wise lady that can match her， my loving， sweet， yet absent-minded and forgetful mom.

點評2

這篇習作產出159詞（不含開頭語），應用了8個關鍵詞語，與短文融洽度較高，盡管續(xù)寫部分與段落開頭語的銜接不能稱之為緊密，但總體而言仍然是合理的。故事情節(jié)上，本篇習作與上篇一樣，有出乎意料卻合乎情理的設計，將目光放在母親的粗心所帶來的好結果上，做了翻案文章，既與所給短文緊密銜接，也使第二段的情感抒發(fā)顯得自然。語言上，習作意義傳達基本清楚，對語法結構和詞匯的豐富性、準確性有較好的注意，文氣總體較為流暢。應該說，這篇習作還是比較順利地完成了交際任務。尤其值得指出的是，習作不但注意到了詞匯的豐富性，而且能夠針對不同的意義與情感表達需要來變換詞匯（如說母親“absent-minded and forgetful”時用的是“woman”，說她“l(fā)oving and sweet”時用了“l(fā)ady”，最后把這兩類品質結合，用了“mom”），這在考生習作中是不多見的。另外值得稱贊的是，本篇習作注意了使用不同語法形式來表達意義（如“its obvious for me today”中現(xiàn)在時的使用和“our trip should have been boring”中情態(tài)助動詞與完成體的結合等）。當然，與上一篇習作相比，本篇問題稍稍突出一些，主要表現(xiàn)在以下幾個方面：一是對詞句意義與語篇意義的聯(lián)系注意不夠，如第一段的“The reason was ...”和“meaning ...”、第二段的“All of a sudden， as driving”等，讓讀者感覺不好理解；二是對語法結構的意義把握不準，導致意義發(fā)生偏差，如“it was Dad that found Mom”（或許是不恰當追求“高大上”的結果）；三是低級語法錯誤導致意義不清，如“There is no person even a wise lady that can match her”；四是有少許不應該出現(xiàn)的拼寫方面的錯誤，如“Mon”。但是，總體而言，習作中所出現(xiàn)的問題對意義傳達的影響并不突出，長短相較，應該說本篇習作在本次浙江省高考英語中屬于較好的一篇，可考慮判為第四檔。

[學生習作3]

The next day we remembered the brand-new tent we had brought with us. It seemed that we wouldnt get any chance to use it. Just when we felt tough to deal with it， a bagger came into our sight. Mom soon came up with an idea that we should give it to him. But the tent was really new and it costed us a lot. Despite Dad， David and Is objection， Mom determined her mind and gave it to the bagger， which means we couldnt do camping anymore.

We drove through several states and saw lots of great sights along the way. The trip was wonderful and we really had a nice time in my grandparents house. Time flow so swiftly that we couldnt notice it. After we finished our trip and came back to our sweet house， Mom suddenly found something while checking the baggage. She whispered： “Where was the tent？” Thats my Mom， a really nice person but also a forgetful and absent-minded woman.

點評3

這篇習作延續(xù)所給短文情節(jié)，圍繞帳篷和母親的健忘續(xù)寫，與所給短文融洽度高，與所提供的開頭語銜接非常緊密，故事設計符合邏輯，雖然總體上以說明性語言為主，但也有一定的描述性語言，而且有的還相當生動，如“She whispered： ‘Where was the tent？”一句，使讀者有如聞其聲之感。但在語言運用上，本篇習作問題較多。語法方面，有時態(tài)錯誤（如“which means”“Where was the tent？”）、動詞屈折變化錯誤（如“it costed”“Time flow”）、限定詞錯誤（如“Dad， David and Is objection”“an idea that ...”）、介詞錯誤（如“in my grandparents house”）、代詞錯誤（如“felt”與“tough”之間缺失“it”）等。詞匯方面，有些詞由于意義理解不準確而誤用，如將“our sweet house”與“our sweet home”混淆；有的則是對詞匯的搭配和慣用法掌握不到位，如“determined her mind”；有的則可能是受漢語思維的影響，“直譯”為英語后意義不清，如“found something”（應為“found something missing”）；有的則是簡單的拼寫錯誤，如“bagger”。有意思的是，本篇習作雖然有不少問題，但考生并沒有對語言做刻意的變化追求，總體上而言相當自然，文氣較為通暢，以上這些錯誤對意義的傳達并不產生大的影響，不至于過分損及交際任務的完成。本篇習作共產出139詞（不含開頭語），應用了8個關鍵詞語，語句結構與詞匯富于變化，連接手段有效，較好地滿足了任務的要求，是一篇合格的作文，建議判第三檔的高分。

[學生習作4]

The next day we remembered the brand-new tent we had brought with us. Until then， it hadnt shown any advantages yet. David and I felt deeply upset about the travel. It didnt seem like camping or travelling but worrying about Mom all the time. The decisions she made and the actions she did must be taken good care of. However， Mom was lighted and was ready to continue the trip. She didnt say any words about the tent， even though Dad had mentioned it many times. Without any hesitation， we continued the trip. She drove happily， while David and I sat quietly behind.

We drove through several states and saw lots of great sights along the way. It had been several times that my brother screamed out “What a fantastic scenery！” The trip became more interesting. I began to talk with Mom and Dad. I felt warmth through Moms excited voice. We smiled and laughed along the way. With the wonderful sights beside us， we all enjoyed the trip. That day， I realized that my mom was actually the nicest person in the world. It was her that brought light to our lives.

點評4

這篇習作內容上與所給短文關系密切，與所提供各段落開頭語也有很好的銜接，寫出了較多內容，文氣基本連貫，但語言上存在較多錯誤。語言上的問題，最為突出的是多數(shù)語句系由中文“直譯”而來卻又并不明白所用詞語的真正含義，如續(xù)寫部分的第一句“Until then， it hadnt shown any advantages yet”，須由英文硬譯回漢語才能明白考生所想表達的意思（“直到那時，帳篷都還沒有派過用場”——意思表達不清的主要原因應該是“until”一詞的意義與用法沒有掌握）。其他如“It didnt seem like camping or travelling but worrying about Mom all the time”“The decisions she made and the actions she did must be taken good care of”“I felt warmth through Moms excited voice”都存在同樣的問題。除此以外，習作某些詞語（如“Without any hesitation”）的使用有“生拉硬拽”之嫌，導致語言邏輯不當。當然，其他習作中所存在的普通語言問題，也存在于本篇習作中，如詞匯誤用（如“l(fā)ighted”應為“delighted”之誤）、語法錯誤（如“What a fantastic scenery”）等，但總體而言，這一類問題較少。本篇習作產出166詞（不含開頭語），應用了5個短文中標出的關鍵詞語，全文內容基本連貫，故事設計雖然沒有出彩之處，也沒有思想上的升華，但也合情合理，語言上，意義傳達雖然受到一點影響，但基本完成了交際任務，可考慮判第三檔中段。

[學生習作5]

The next day we remembered the brand-new tent we had brought with us. David like the tent very much. He like sleeping in the tent. We can sleep in the tent. And we can not found the place to sleep. But mom still said it is a trouble. she always wanted to find a vacancy to sleep. But I thinked. the tent is great. I could see stars and the moon when I sleep in the tent. And I can look around the nation.

We drove through several states and saw lots of great sights along the way. I like the trip very much. I could see a funny mom and a funny dad They always didnt agree another. And I also saw many beatiful views. I like this views. Than we visited our grand Parents. They were healthy. And they can play games with us. We lived at grand parents house some days. Then we baced our home. I lived the vacation with my mother.

點評5

這篇習作與所給短文融洽度較高，與所提供各段落開頭語也有很好的銜接，寫出了較多內容，文氣基本連貫。情節(jié)內容方面，習作思想較為簡單，平鋪直敘，有點“流水賬”的感覺，但除了如“They always didnt agree another”這樣個別有點感覺突兀的地方外，總體上應該說還是合理的。語言上，本篇習作問題較多。首先，語句面貌顯得簡陋，除了兩三個句子外，所有語句都是簡單句。其次，語法錯誤較多，如時、體、態(tài)方面的錯誤（“l(fā)ike”“can”“can not found”“is”等），詞的屈折變化形式錯誤（“thinked”），介詞錯誤（“she always wanted to find a vacancy to sleep”）等。再次，詞匯錯誤比較突出，如大小寫錯誤（“mom”“grand Parents”“she always wanted”）、拼寫錯誤（“Than”“baced”“grand Parents”）、詞義錯誤（“l(fā)ived”“vacancy”）、記憶錯誤（“nation”應為“nature”之誤）、用法錯誤（“agree another”）等。此外還有標點錯誤（如“I could see a funny mom and a funny dad”后缺句號）。這些問題中有不少（如“l(fā)ook around the nation”“we baced our home”）導致了意義的傳達受到較為嚴重的影響。本篇習作共產出139詞（不含開頭語），使用了5個短文中標出的關鍵詞語，內容邏輯合理，語言上多數(shù)情況下意義傳達基本順利，但問題較多，可考慮判為第二檔。

[學生習作6]

The next day we remembered the brand-new tent we had brought with us.

I and David were very shocked. I and David got to the tent fast， we only can cried and save help， At that time， my mom go back， she help we go out in the trouble.

We drove through several states and saw lots of great sights along the way.

Though a few days， wee get the Colorado and North Dakota， we was very exsicing.

At night， I and David had a dinner with my two sets of grandparents and go back with mom. I mind that， nobody as nice as my mom

點評6

應該說，這篇習作與所給短文關系較為密切，與所提供各段落開頭語也有較好的銜接，情節(jié)內容大體上符合所給短文的限定情景，基本合理。但習作總體面貌簡陋，考生共產出79詞（不含開頭語），第一段5句，第二段4句，而且語句過于簡單，語法與詞匯錯誤很多，比較明顯的語法錯誤有時態(tài)錯誤、代詞名詞詞序錯誤、主謂一致錯誤、標點錯誤、大小寫錯誤等，詞匯方面，比較明顯的錯誤有搭配錯誤、拼寫錯誤等，這些錯誤有的嚴重影響了意義的傳達（如“we only can cried and save help”“she help we go out in the trouble”“I mind that”），使讀者很難明白考生所想表達的意思。另外，本篇習作續(xù)寫部分由于沒有緊接開頭語寫作，最后形成的實際上不是兩段，而是五段，不符合試題要求?？傮w來看，本篇習作雖然與所提供短文和開頭語有較好的銜接，關鍵詞語的使用（5個，其中畫線4個）也基本符合要求，語句間也有一定的連接成分，但產出內容太少，語法結構和詞匯項目都很有限，語言面貌不佳，全文內容也不夠連貫，交際任務完成情況差，建議判為第一檔。

六、結語

總體來看，與前兩次浙江省新高考相比，2017年11月高考英語讀后續(xù)寫考生答題情況有較大的進步，主要表現(xiàn)在續(xù)寫內容與所給短文融洽度和與所提供各段落開頭語銜接的合理程度均有較大提高，情節(jié)的設計更為合理，內容的連貫性有所加強，關鍵詞語的使用更為自然完善。尤其值得指出的一點是，雖然本次讀后續(xù)寫所給短文的開放性較大、枝節(jié)信息較多、對考生的情節(jié)設計干擾較強，但考生基本上都能恰當?shù)刈プ《涛牡闹饕獌热莶⒃诶m(xù)寫中加以擴展與表述。這一點，在本次考試中的展現(xiàn)明顯好于以往兩次。語言上，語法結構和詞匯的豐富性和準確性均有較大提高，語言錯誤和盲目追求所謂“高大上”的情況呈現(xiàn)緩慢減少的趨勢，細節(jié)描繪和語言生動性得到了足夠的重視。這些都體現(xiàn)了浙江省一年半來高中英語寫作教學的進步，也說明新高考對中學英語教學的正向反撥取得了效果。今后如能更多加強輸入的訓練，在原文理解和邏輯組織上多下功夫，注意語言意義建構的合理性，加強語篇意識，相信浙江省高中英語寫作教學一定能取得更加顯著的成效。