By Coco Liang

An artist friend of mine once spent 18,000 yuan learning English, hoping to speak English as fluently as I do, so that he could travel around the world freely.

He first went to Switzerland and found the Germanspeaking area, French-speaking area, Italian-speaking area there… but he couldn't find the English-speaking area. He felt disappointed, decided to quit learning English.

But, is it a big deal even if one does speak English? Well, I'm still at a loss when hearing the Manchester accent. It's just like how speaking fluent Mandarin doesn't mean you understand the dialect of Chaozhou in Guangdong Province.

It seems that the whole of Europeans speak English; but in fact, only half of them can. English goes unimpeded in Norway, Sweden and Finland. Once a Finnish man told me he could speak eight languages. It sounds terrific—I guess if someone from Shenzhen claims that he knows eight dialects from eight provinces, he would also win himself a thumbs-up.

But in other countries such as Spain, Italy, France and Portugal, English is not that much a common language. Once I was traveling in Portugal. The uncle at the reception desk tried to talk to me every night when I came back to the hotel.

I had to smile and replied in Chinese: “I don't understand.”

He continued to talk.

I said in English: “I don't understand.”

He went on talking.

Then I turned to French: “Je ne comprends pas (I don't understand).”

At this point he would laugh and give me a candy, patting my head and shoulders, waving his hands, and letting me go upstairs.

However, many of the languages in European countries are more or less akin to English, so we can still guess the meanings of some words in newspapers or on road signs based on a very basic level of English.

On the contrary, if you go to Russia, you won't know one single letter—let alone guess the meaning of whole words or signs.

On one occasion, I went to a famous Russian restaurant for its borscht. I successfully expressed “I only need a loaf of bread for my soup” with my body languages, yet I still was thwarted while trying to find the toilet.

After the borscht, I wanted to go to the toilet. I looked around yet couldn't see one around the restaurant. Eventually I followed the instinct of my nose and found my way. Instead of the common signs of figures with a dress or pants, I found myself blocked outside the restrooms by some strange Russian words on the doors.

Fine, I'll wait, I thought… When someone came out or went in, I would be able to tell.

I waited for quite a while before someone came out from one of the doors: he/she was dressed in big loose T-shirt and jeans, and had breasts, but of a shape and size that they could belong to a fat woman with small breasts or a fat man with a big belly. There was a tattoo on his/her arm, but it was a unisex mermaid. His/her blond hair was neither too long nor too short, and seemed to have eyeliner yet also wore a mustache above his/her upper lip. He/she carried a blue and black outdoor rucksack, yet from which he/she took out a pinkish cloth bag.

Anyway, I categorized the person wishfully as a woman, and rushed into the door from which she came out, only to find myself greeted by a standing urinal.

But I'm even more afraid of the heavily accented English spoken in Indonesia, Thailand, India and Japan. In the movie A Fishy Story, when Maggie Cheung Man-yuk said: “Evely duesdi, I it gali tchigen and a gup ov dee,” it was the Indian version of “Every Tuesday I eat curry chicken and a cup of tea.” So what if you passed the English Band 8 in China? It might not work as well as Band 4 English plus Band 4 imagination.

My friend Huang Li learned Southeast Asian English from the very beginning. Later on, when she started working in a foreign company, the English spoken by her American boss was too standard so that she couldn't understand him easily. Ironically she exchanged well with her Brazilian boss.

Japanese English is even more intimidating. People there are polite, thoughtful and humble, willing to use all their English vocabulary to tell you where the toilet is, yet at the end of the day, you may end up learning the location of a local bakery, or on which street you can find a goodlooking flyer-distributing girl, but still not sure where the toilet is.

By now one should know that even popular English is not so universal, much like any other languages. Therefore, don't postpone your trip again with the excuse “I don't know the language.” Make your travel plan now!

(From The Dilemma in Traveling, Jiangsu Phoenix Literature and Art Publishing House. Translation: Lu Qiongyao)

天下英語(yǔ)一鍋粥

文/蔻蔻梁

我有個(gè)藝術(shù)家朋友花了18000元，想學(xué)到一口像我那么熠熠生輝的英語(yǔ)，然后就可以縱橫世界。

他首先去了瑞士。德語(yǔ)區(qū)、法語(yǔ)區(qū)、意大利語(yǔ)區(qū)……嘿嘿，英語(yǔ)區(qū)在哪里呢？為此他憤然回家，就此輟學(xué)。

會(huì)英語(yǔ)很了不起嗎？當(dāng)我面對(duì)著曼徹斯特口音頭大的時(shí)候，還是不免生出一點(diǎn)兒挫敗感。這就正如你能說(shuō)一口流利的普通話，卻聽(tīng)不懂潮州方言一樣。

想象中全歐洲都講英語(yǔ)，事實(shí)上全歐洲有一半地方講英語(yǔ)就不錯(cuò)了。真實(shí)的情況是：越是經(jīng)濟(jì)發(fā)達(dá)的國(guó)家，國(guó)民英語(yǔ)水平越高。在挪威、瑞典、芬蘭等國(guó)，英語(yǔ)能暢通無(wú)阻。有個(gè)芬蘭帥哥告訴我，他會(huì)八國(guó)語(yǔ)言。聽(tīng)上去真了不起，我暗想，如果一個(gè)深圳人說(shuō)自己懂八省方言，應(yīng)該也能換取一點(diǎn)兒敬佩的目光吧。

而我們比較熟悉的西班牙、意大利、法國(guó)、葡萄牙，國(guó)民英語(yǔ)水平之爛，幾乎讓人想取締它們“發(fā)達(dá)國(guó)家”的頭銜。在葡萄牙旅行的日子里，每天晚上回旅館時(shí)，旅館阿伯都要跟我說(shuō)話。

我就甜美一笑，用中文說(shuō)：“聽(tīng)不懂?！?/p>

他繼續(xù)說(shuō)著。

我用英語(yǔ)說(shuō)：“聽(tīng)不懂。”

他接著說(shuō)。

我用法語(yǔ)說(shuō)：“聽(tīng)不懂?！?/p>

這個(gè)時(shí)候他就會(huì)大笑起來(lái)，然后給我一顆糖，拍拍我的腦袋和肩膀，揮手示意我趕緊上樓。

但是在這些歐洲國(guó)家里，語(yǔ)言多多少少跟英語(yǔ)有那么一點(diǎn)兒相似之處，偶爾還是能夠憑借自己的英語(yǔ)基礎(chǔ)，在報(bào)紙或者路標(biāo)上找到一兩個(gè)疑似認(rèn)識(shí)的單詞，半猜半蒙地知道它的意思。

然而你去俄羅斯試試看？你連字母都讀不出來(lái)，更別說(shuō)妄圖猜個(gè)單詞是什么意思了。

有一天去一家有名的餐館喝羅宋湯，我連“我只要一個(gè)面包配湯，不要那么多了”都能用肢體語(yǔ)言表達(dá)出來(lái)，卻敗在了一個(gè)廁所門(mén)口。

喝了羅宋湯，就有點(diǎn)內(nèi)急。滿餐廳找?guī)詈笫强勘亲哟_認(rèn)了廁所的方位。但問(wèn)題是上面并沒(méi)有常見(jiàn)的裙子和褲子小圖標(biāo)，只分別有幾個(gè)俄語(yǔ)單詞。

好，我等。等從里面出來(lái)一個(gè)人，或者進(jìn)去一個(gè)人，就0K了。

等了半天，從一個(gè)小門(mén)里出來(lái)一個(gè)人。TA是這樣的：穿著牛仔褲，寬松的大T恤。胸部可以理解為一個(gè)胖女人卻沒(méi)有一個(gè)太大的胸部；但是根據(jù)那肚皮大的程度，一個(gè)胖男人長(zhǎng)出這樣的胸部來(lái)也不是不可能。胳膊上有文身，偏偏是條男女皆宜的美人魚(yú)。金色的頭發(fā)不長(zhǎng)不短，好像描了眼線，可是上唇分明又有胡子。TA背了一個(gè)戶外用的背囊，藍(lán)黑色，可又從里面拿出一個(gè)玫紅色的小布口袋。

不管了，我一廂情愿地認(rèn)為T(mén)A就是個(gè)女人，趕緊往那扇小門(mén)里跑，結(jié)果迎面看到一個(gè)站立著的小便器。

但我最懼怕的是那些說(shuō)著“嫁接英語(yǔ)”的國(guó)家，例如印尼、泰國(guó)、印度、日本等，無(wú)一不帶著濃重的本國(guó)口音?！恫幻撘m子的人》里面的張曼玉說(shuō)的“evely duesdi，I it gali tchigen and a gup ov dee”，是印度版本的“every Tuesday I eat curry chicken and a cup of tea”（“每逢星期二我吃咖喱雞和喝一杯茶”），你英語(yǔ)八級(jí)又有什么用，還不如英語(yǔ)四級(jí)加想象力四級(jí)，才能稍微學(xué)以致用一點(diǎn)兒。

好朋友黃麗的啟蒙英語(yǔ)就是東南亞英語(yǔ)。后來(lái)她去外企工作，美國(guó)老板的英語(yǔ)實(shí)在太標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，導(dǎo)致她和美國(guó)老板很難溝通，轉(zhuǎn)頭跟巴西老板溝通去了。

日本英語(yǔ)更驚人，這個(gè)民族的客氣、禮讓、謙遜使得他們?cè)敢恻c(diǎn)頭哈腰地用盡他們的英語(yǔ)詞匯來(lái)跟你解釋哪里有廁所。但是最終你可能從他們的話里聽(tīng)明白哪里有面包店，哪個(gè)轉(zhuǎn)角有個(gè)身材很好的派傳單小妞，卻還是不明白到底哪里有廁所。

所以，大家應(yīng)該明白，如果英語(yǔ)都不能世界通行，那么任何語(yǔ)言都不能。咱就不要再讓“語(yǔ)言不通”這四個(gè)字拉住自己的腳，該去哪里旅游就去吧。

（摘自《旅行的尷尬》江蘇鳳凰文藝出版社）