王麗麗

When anyone asks whether I have any brothers or sisters， I say I have a younger brother. Some people ask more questions about you. How old is he？ What does he do？ I answer， “Oh， he passed away.”

Recently， someone asked why I say “have” and not “had”. Its deliberate1， I explained. I am a sister. A strange， bad-tempered2， 31-year-old big sister. To be a big sister， you have to have a younger brother， so...

I went through all the stages of grief3 after you died. Anger， in great anger. Hysterical4 crying. Utter5 loneliness. Its been seven years since you died， and even now， from time to time， I have moments when I cant breathe， knowing youre gone.

Each year， something new brings this grief to the surface6. In 2013 it was moving into my first house， without you. In 2014， it was getting a new job， without you. In 2017， it was getting married， without you （that was particularly hard）. This year， 2019—Im thinking about having children， without you.

Im scared. What if my children dont have the relationship we had？ The thought scares me， even more so after I learned that a lot of relationships between brothers and sisters are fractious7. It felt normal that ours was unconditional， fun and loving.

I know you would have been a great uncle， too. You would have been the happy to my serious. Even at 20， you were so good with children. Most guys your age wouldnt give a second thought to a five-year-old. But you were patient and funny.

You never forgot my birthday. In fact， you gave the best birthday presents of anyone I know. I still have that black dress. And the empty bottle of Versace perfume8 you knew I really wanted （sorry， husband， but your presents dont even compare）.

And it could have all been different. I would have dropped everything， done anything for you. You just had to say. You just had to take that first step and tell me. Tell me you werent happy. Instead， you took your own life away from yourself. You took your life away from me.

Love you always and for ever.

每當(dāng)有人問起我有沒有兄弟姐妹時，我都會說我有一個弟弟。他們會追問更多你的情況，“他多大了？”“他是做什么的？”我都會回答：“哦，他已經(jīng)去世了?！?/p>

最近有人問我，為什么說“有”一個弟弟而不是“曾經(jīng)有”。我是故意的，我解釋道。我是一個姐姐，一個古怪的、壞脾氣的、31歲的姐姐。如果想當(dāng)姐姐，就必須要有一個弟弟，所以……

自從你去世，我經(jīng)歷了悲傷的各個階段。憤怒，強(qiáng)烈的憤怒;歇斯底里的痛哭;徹底的孤獨(dú)。盡管你已經(jīng)去世七年了，但即使是現(xiàn)在，時不時地，只要一想起你已經(jīng)離開了，我仍然心痛到無法呼吸。

每一年，總有一些新的事情讓悲痛浮現(xiàn)在心頭。2013年我搬進(jìn)第一套房子，你不在;2014年，我換了新工作，你不知道;2017年，我結(jié)婚了，你也沒有出現(xiàn)（這次最為難過）;今年——2019年，我考慮要孩子，你仍不在身邊。

我很害怕，害怕如果我的孩子不像你我之間關(guān)系這么好怎么辦？這個想法讓我恐懼，尤其當(dāng)我了解到很多兄弟姐妹之間都喜歡爭吵發(fā)脾氣時，恐懼的感覺更甚。我們姐弟兩個之間無條件的、有趣的和友愛的關(guān)系才是正常的。

我知道你本來也可以成為一個好舅舅，本可以給嚴(yán)肅的我?guī)砜鞓?。盡管你都20歲了，還可以跟孩子們玩得很開心。很多男孩在你的年紀(jì)根本不會想和5歲孩子一起玩，你卻一直如此有耐心，又有趣。

你從沒忘記過我的生日。事實(shí)上，你曾給過我世上最好的生日禮物。我一直留著（你送的）那件黑裙子，還有你知道我曾經(jīng)心心念念的范思哲香水的空瓶子（對不起，我的丈夫，你的那些禮物根本沒法比）。

一切本可以完全不同的。如果可以，我情愿失去一切，為你做任何事。只要你開口，只要你邁出那一步，主動告訴我，告訴我你過得不開心。然而，你卻結(jié)束了自己的生命，離開了我的人生。

永遠(yuǎn)，永遠(yuǎn)愛你。

Notes

1. deliberate? adj. 故意的，蓄意的

2. bad-tempered? ?adj. 脾氣不好的;易怒的

3. grief n. 悲痛，憂傷

4. hysterical? adj. 歇斯底里的

5. utter adj. 完全的，徹底的

6. surface? n. 表面;表層;外觀

7. fractious adj. 易怒的，愛發(fā)脾氣的

8. Versace perfume n. 范思哲香水（一種世界名牌香水）