by Charlotte Green

Your friends call you to go out and you dont even look at your phone. Its not that you dont like them， its just that even to acknowledge[承認(rèn)] the things theyre saying would make you feel guilty and uncomfortable. Youd rather listen to the sound of your vibrating[振動的] phone and wait until its over than see the words which have actually been written to you. You know what its going to say—“Hey， were all meeting up at the bar at nine， wanna come out？” No， you dont want to go out， and youre tired of explaining it.

Its not that youre sad. In fact， youre happier than youve been in recent memory. Youre just not interested in doing things socially just for the sake of[為了] doing them. You like being by yourself， or maybe inviting a friend over for a movie， and getting to bed at a reasonable hour. And you know that announcing your desire to go to sleep would result in[導(dǎo)致] a million cries of “Oh， come on， dont be so lame[無聊的].” The thing is， youre not sure if youre lame or not by wanting to go to sleep early and not get drunk. You very well might be， but no amount of embarrassment is going to get you out of your apartment.

You sometimes wonder about the things youre missing， the people who are doing things without you， developing friendships and accumulating[積累] memories. The desire to join them occasionally[偶爾] wells up[涌出] in you and spills[溢出] over into actual social interaction[社交互動]—you join for a few drinks， you stay out for a while， you laugh with the jokes and catch up on the stories youve missed. And you can enjoy it. Theres nothing wrong with it. But the more pressing truth seems to be that youve grown out of[因長大而厭倦（某物）] something which you cannot quite identify[認(rèn)同]. You love seeing everyone， you love learning new things， but you may not experience it in the same way you once did.

Your stamina[精力]， your ability to get wasted[喝醉] and consider it a real diversion[消遣]， your desire to meet people in embarrassing circumstances which you might not remember the next morning， are all waning[減弱] as you decide that you want to construct things during the day. Youve always been told that maturing into a time when partying is no longer your go-to activity[主要活動] makes you something of[在某種意義上] a boring person， a certified[被證明的] adult—but you can no longer force yourself to be interested in the same things as all your other friends.

Sometimes you worry about what it would mean to be the “l(fā)ame” one， to no longer be the last to leave a party or even be interested in meeting at the bar. You get frustrated at the automatic[無意識的] division amongst[在……之中] a group of people as “cool” or “no longer cool，” strictly judged on how much alcohol you intake[攝入量] or how long you stay out at night. You have moments of seeing yourself older and no longer fun， long-since slipped into a routine[例行公事] of a bit of television before bed， but you arent as scared of it as you are of being a person youre no longer interested in being just to please everyone else. Youd rather ignore your phone， youve decided， than go along with a group who isnt interested in finding a pleasant middle-ground[中間立場].

You know that theyre probably saying something about you. Theyre saying that youre not as fun as you used to be， that you dont know how to party， that youre always at home. And though the feeling of being talked about behind ones back is never pleasant， you at least know that its true. Youre the“l(fā)ame friend，” and thats okay with you.

你的朋友打電話約你出去，你竟然看都不看電話一眼。不是說你不喜歡他們，只是你不用聽就知道他們說的話會讓你感到內(nèi)疚和不舒服，所以你寧愿聽著手機(jī)的振動聲，等到它停止振動你才去看他們發(fā)給你的信息。你知道說的是什么——“嘿，我們今晚九點在酒吧見面，你要來嗎？”不，你不想出去，并且厭倦了解釋理由。

這并不意味著你正處于悲傷的狀態(tài)中。事實上，最近一段時間以來，現(xiàn)在的你最開心。你只是對為了社交而社交不感興趣。你喜歡獨處的感覺，或者邀請一個朋友來看電影，然后在合理的時間睡覺。你知道當(dāng)你宣布你想要回去睡覺的時候會引來百萬聲哀嚎——“噢，拜托，別這么沒勁兒?！眴栴}是，你不確定你想不喝醉早點睡覺是不是真的沒勁兒。好吧，你很可能的確是（個沒勁兒的人），但即使再多的窘迫也不能讓你離開你的公寓。

有時候你會想知道自己錯過的東西——你不在的時候，朋友們一起做的事情：發(fā)展友誼，積累回憶。想要加入他們的欲望偶爾會涌上來，漸漸堆積成實際的社交行為——你加入群體，喝了幾杯酒，在酒吧待了一會兒，被朋友的笑話逗得開懷大笑，并補上之前你錯過的故事。你可以享受這一切，這沒什么不對的。但更迫切的事實是你已經(jīng)漸漸厭倦了這種你并不十分認(rèn)同的東西。你喜歡與大家見面，你喜歡學(xué)習(xí)新的事物，但也許你不想以相同的方式體驗已經(jīng)做過的事情。

你的精力、你喝醉酒的能力、你認(rèn)為這是個真正的消遣的想法，還有你在尷尬的情形下與你隔天早上也許不會記得的人碰面的欲望，都隨著你在白天想要構(gòu)建新事物的決定而日漸減弱。你總是被告知，人成熟到某個階段，當(dāng)派對不再是你的主要活動時，某種意義上你就成了一個無趣的人，一個真正的成年人——但你再也無法強(qiáng)迫自己像你的其他朋友一樣對同樣的事情感興趣。

有時候你會擔(dān)心不再是最后一個離開派對的人，乃至對在酒吧約會不感興趣會讓你成為那個“沒勁兒”的人。群體以酒精攝入量的多少和晚上在外待的時間長短自動將人區(qū)分為“酷”和“不再酷”的不同兩類，這一點讓你感到沮喪。有一瞬間你感覺自己已經(jīng)變老了，不再是有趣的人，早就進(jìn)入了看會兒電視后就上床睡覺的模式了。但你已不再對取悅他人感興趣，對此你并不感到害怕。你寧愿不看手機(jī)，也不想和一群對尋找愉快的中間地帶不感興趣的人相處。

你知道他們可能正在議論你。他們會說你不像以前那樣好玩了，說你不知道怎么在派對玩樂，說你總是宅在家里。雖然被人在背后說閑話不好受，但至少你知道那是事實。你是個“沒勁兒的朋友”，但你覺得挺好的。