什么是“腦洞大開”？

看完本文，你就知道什么才是真正的“腦洞大開”！首先，主人公是一個人，然后他假設(shè)自己是一個機器人，住在英格蘭海岸邊的一個農(nóng)舍里，夢想著成為一只貓咪，一只不被主人賞識的貓咪。很奇特吧？這樣奇葩的腦回路，加上令人忍俊不禁的細節(jié)描寫，讓這曲機器人狂想曲顯得歡快激昂。

If I were a robot， I would probably not kill all humans. Emphasis[強調(diào)] on the “probably” part， because Im not making any absolute guarantees[保證] about my behavior[行為] as a robot. I wouldnt want to limit myself in that way. I dont necessarily know what Id be like as a robot. And while I dont want to kill all humans now， who knows how Ill feel once Im in robotic[機器人的] form？

Like， say Im a robot and I go to see that movie The Artist， and then someones like， “Hey， robot Oliver， did you like that movie The Artist？”

And Id say， “Like？ Such a comment[評論] does not input[輸入] with me. It was a succession[一連串] of filmed images projected[投射] at 28 frames[幀] per second. I chose to watch it in infrared[紅外線] because I never get to use my infrared goggles[護目鏡].”

“Yeah， but did you like it？” whoever will say.

“Like？” Id say， and Jesus， do you see how annoying[令人惱火的] this conversation is getting already？ Id kill the person to make it stop and then Id have to go kill all the other humans to avoid[避免] getting in trouble for killing the original[最初的] human. Anyway， where was I？

After killing the humans， I think Id build a cottage[小農(nóng)舍] with a thatched[茅草蓋的] roof， on the coast of England somewhere， by the cliffs of Dover. Ive always wanted to live in a cottage， and as a robot， Id have time to build one. Because the thing about being a robot is that you dont get old and you dont die， so you have time to do stuff…And then， once the cottage was done， Id read all the great books， I guess， while not really“l(fā)iking” them or understanding them…

God， being a robot sounds awful， actually， when you think about it. Never getting old？ Never dying？ The thought sounds appealing[吸引人的] for one， two seconds. But then， what meaning does life have if one can never taste death and other such existential[存在的] questions？ Not being able to die would be like never being able to go to sleep…Have you ever thought about that， never being able to go to sleep？ This is actually a parable[寓言] that youre not totally getting； but dont worry about that， not right now. Anyway—not being able to sleep. Itd be awful. Things would go on and on. Robots never sleep.

Instead of being a robot who cant sleep like that， Id rather be a cat. A little kitty. Oh， Id be a good cat； the best cat youve ever seen. Id be a tortoise-shell[龜甲]. I wouldnt be an indoor cat， but I wouldnt be an outdoor cat either， not exactly. Id be inbetween， just a cat， but my owners would have a cat-house on the porch with an electric blanket[電熱毯] for when it got cold， so that I could be not-inside， but also nearby at all times. And there， I would dream my dreamy cat dreams. First， you flex[收縮] your cat paws， then you pounce[猛撲] and catch the mouse， but youre just dreaming the whole time， well， arent you？

For breakfast， I would eat breakfast， and then I would hunt. Id catch baby bunnies[小兔子] in the yard； theyre very prevalent[普遍的] in the Spring； more baby bunnies than you could ever imagine. I would catch one and then leave it on my masters porch—you have this expectant[期待的] look when you leave them a bunny or a mouse， but then， youre always disappointed. With your tender[溫柔的] eyes， youre like—Look！ Look please at what I have done！ But then the children just turn away， appalled[驚駭?shù)腯， and then its all very disappointing.

And after that， Id sleep again， and flex， but Im not a cat， am I？

Im not a cat. Im a robot. I was a robot the whole time. It was a dream that I had； I lied when I said that robots couldnt sleep.

I was a robot the whole time， living on the coast of England， dreaming that I was a cat. Its just a dream； sad. A single cybernetic[控制論的] tear trickles[滴] down my aluminum-alloy[鋁合金] cheek.

如果我是個機器人的話，我可能不會殺光全人類。重點在“可能”這個部分，因為作為一個機器人，我可沒法對自己的行為做絕對的保證。我也不想那樣限制自己的自由。我不太需要知道自己作為一個機器人會是什么樣子。而且盡管我現(xiàn)在還不想殺死全人類，誰知道一旦我進入機器人模式后，我的感覺會是怎樣的呢？

比如說，我是個機器人，去看那部名為《藝術(shù)家》的電影，接著某人說道：“嗨，機器人奧利弗，你喜歡那部叫《藝術(shù)家》的電影嗎？”

而我會說：“喜歡？我可沒被輸入過這樣的評論。它就是一連串拍攝好的影像被以每秒二十八幀的速度投射出來。我之所以選擇以紅外線模式觀看它，只是因為我從來沒用過我的紅外線護目鏡而已?！?/p>

“是啊，但你喜歡它嗎？”其他隨便什么人會說。

“喜歡？”我會說，天啊，你沒發(fā)現(xiàn)這樣的對話已經(jīng)變得多么讓人厭煩了嗎？我會殺掉那個家伙來停止這段對話，但接著我將不得不殺掉其他所有人類，以便擺脫最初殺掉那個人所帶來的麻煩。哦，我說到哪里了？

在殺掉這些人類之后，我想我會在英格蘭海岸邊的某個地方建一個茅草屋頂?shù)男∞r(nóng)舍，就在多佛懸崖附近。我以前一直想要住在一間小農(nóng)舍里，而作為一個機器人，我有時間來建一個。因為作為一個機器人的好處就是，你不會老，也不會死，所以你有時間來干活……接著，等農(nóng)舍建好后，我猜我將會閱讀所有的偉大書籍，雖然并不能真的“喜歡”或理解它們……

天啊，成為一個機器人聽起來糟透了，真的，當你好好想想的時候。永遠也不會老？永遠也不會死？這個想法聽起來很有吸引力——在那么一兩秒的時間里。但再想想，如果一個人永遠品嘗不到死亡以及其他這種關(guān)于存在的問題時，生命還有什么意義呢？永遠不會死將會像永遠不能睡覺一樣……你有沒有想過這個問題呢，永遠不能睡覺？這就像是一個你不能完全理解的寓言一樣；但是不要擔心那個問題了，至少現(xiàn)在還不用。無論如何——不能睡覺，那會很糟糕的。萬物周而復始。機器人永遠不能睡覺。

我寧愿變成一只貓，而不是一個像那樣不能睡覺的機器人。一只小貓咪。噢，我會變成一只乖貓的；你所見過的最好的貓。我會縮在一個龜殼里。我不會是一只室內(nèi)宅貓，但我也不會是一只戶外野貓，不完全是。我會在兩者之間，就是只貓，但天冷的時候，我的主人們要在門廊上放置一個帶有電熱毯的貓窩，這樣我可以不用宅在屋里，卻又總是在附近溜達。在貓窩里，我可以做著我的夢幻貓咪美夢。首先，你要收起你的貓爪子，接著猛撲過去抓住老鼠，但你只不過是一直在做著美夢呢，嗯，對吧？

對于早餐，我會吃早餐的，接著我會去狩獵。我會在院子里逮兔寶寶；它們在春天里到處都是；兔寶寶比你能想象的要多得多了。我會逮住一個，然后把它留在我主人家的門廊上——當你給他們留下一只兔子或老鼠時，你會有這種期待的樣子，但接下來，你總是會失望。帶著那溫柔的眼神，你會像是——看??！請看看我干了些什么！但隨后，孩子們只會轉(zhuǎn)過身去，驚慌失措，接下來一切都會讓人非常失望了。

在那之后，我會再去睡覺，蜷縮起來，但我并不是只貓，對吧？

我不是只貓。我是個機器人。我一直都是個機器人。那不過是我所做的一個夢；當我說機器人不能睡覺時，我撒謊了。

我一直都是個機器人，住在英格蘭的海岸邊，夢想自己是只貓。那只不過是個夢，一個悲傷的夢。一滴機器人的眼淚滑下我的鋁合金面頰。