Michel Martin （Host）：Its wedding season. You might be invited to a wedding or two or three. So about that wedding—it is one of the most stressful events in a persons life. And why is that？ Well， could it be because people dont know how to behave？ So we brought back two our favorite guides on how to behave to get us all straightened out when it comes to wedding etiquette. They will also answer some of the questions youve been tweeting us. And with us now， once again， are Steven Petrow—he writes the advice columns “Civilities” for The Washington Post. And hes also author of Steven Petrows Complete Gay And Lesbian Manners. Welcome back.

Steven Petrow： Great to be with you.

Michel： Also joining us once again， Karen Grigsby Bates. Shes author of the etiquette book Basic Black： Home Training For Modern Times. Shes also an NPR correspondent. Karen Grigsby Bates， welcome back to you as well.

Karen Grigsby Bates： Thanks， Michel.

Michel： So let me just start by asking you—Karen， maybe youll start us off here. What are some of the questions that come up over and over again？

Karen： One of the top ones people always say is， I got an invitation to thus-and-sos wedding， and I dont think Im going to be able go. Do I have to send a present？

Michel： Really？ Why do you think thats the thing that comes up over and over again？

Karen： Because times are tough economically. People are worried about it， and weddings tend to come in clumps. And were right at the beginning of the start of serious-business wedding season. So Id say from sort of mid May to about late August， early September theres going to be a lot of that going on.

Michel： So whats the answer to that question？

Karen：Well， Ive always said that a wedding invitation is not a quid pro quo. Its not like you buy a ticket to go to the wedding by giving somebody a toaster. And the whole business of wedding presents started out when people used to live with their parents until they got married. So they didnt have any stuff. You know， your mom had all the stuff. Now couples often live together， or theyve been working for a while. And they bought things that they like， and so maybe they dont need or want as much stuff. Sometimes what Ive seen in registries is people saying， the thing I really， really want， Im saving up for， but if you guys want to contribute to my super-duper mixer， Id love to have that. Fine.

Michel： But to the question of people saying， do I have to send a present—your answer is， no， you dont have to.

Karen：No， you do not have to send a present.

Michel：OK. Steven Petrow， what about you？ Whats your answer to that？

Steven：Presents are really voluntary. But I think， in this case， because so many couples view them with emotion and love， its a great idea to give some kind of gift. Its a symbolic gesture.

Michel：And， Steven， you write about changing manners in a number of circumstances. You write about kind of the changing social mores. I mean， people are entering new territory with same-sex weddings， and to many people this is new. This is kind of a new experience， and they feel uncertain there. And you also write about changing digital manners. What are some of the questions that come up for you most often？

Steven：Well， among same-sex couples and those invited to same-sex weddings， it really is—its new territory. And I kind of see my role as a manners advice columnist as a psychotherapist for helping people get through these anxiety fraught moments. And so for gays and lesbians， theres the question， you know， are mom and dad going to help pay？ Usually not because， as Karen just mentioned， these couples tend to have been together for a while. Theyve got stuff， and they can afford their own wedding. For parents there are lots of questions. Again， will they be paying， but also will dad be dancing with his son during the first dance？ No. Thats not usually the case. Will the parents be escorting the couple—the same-sex couple down the aisle？ Sometimes. Its a beautiful， symbolic gesture， but many of these couples also have been together. They like the symbolism of escorting or walking themselves down the aisle.

Michel：Steven， you wrote recently in one of your columns—it was actually a very emotional issue， I think， for many people—which is the question of family members who have not necessarily been accepting of their relationship. And then the question arises when the wedding—if the couple does go forward and they decide to solemnize their relationship and make that commitment， should they invite a family member—a close family member—who has not been particularly supportive in the past？ And you had an answer that I think surprised a lot of people. Some people were not thrilled with it. Do you want to tell us what you said？

Steven：Id be happy to. And youre right. People were…many people were not thrilled. So in this particular instance， the woman who wrote in， she had told her parents that she was getting married to her fiancee—and thats fiancee with two Es. And they did not say congratulations. They did not really respond in any way. So now they were debating whether or not to invite their parents. And my answer was， yes. Take the high road. Embrace them. This is what families do. And my advice to the parents was accept—it does not mean that you need to go vote for same-sex marriage in your state. It doesnt mean that youre giving money to freedom to marry. It just means that youre there to support your daughter. But I would say was 50-50， the response. Many people agreed and think that， as I do， the way to change hearts and minds is to invite people to a wedding. I mean， who has not been to a wedding and， you know， gotten， you know， teary-eyed and so on？ So I think people do understand， you know， its about love and commitment. But many others felt that you should not be extending this olive branch. This couple had been rebuked already and should not put themselves in the line of fire again.

Michel：OK， what about the whole question of—we were talking earlier， Karen， about saving money. A lot of people， to save money， have been going the paperless route. And not just saving money—for some people its an ethical issue. They feel like if you can save the paper， why not save the paper？ So where are you on the digital invitation？

Karen：Oh， Im afraid I am not in favor of the digital wedding invitation. For birthday parties， sure. For potlucks， fine. For alumni get-togethers， no problem. I think weddings are different. You know， theyre imbued with this sense of ceremony. Theyre looked at as milestones. Thats something that me， fogey that I am， would like to keep. And so I would like my wedding invitation to arrive in the mail with a stamp and a response envelope—that also has a stamp on it.

Michel：（laughs） OK. All right. Steven—another Twitter question for you—Jenna （ph） in Syracuse， New York， says， do I have to choose a maid of honor？ Im hesitant to pick a favorite out of my three best friends.

Steven：No， Jenna does not. Really， what maids of honor do are commanders in chief， and the more the merrier. Youll just give them more tasks to do， and itll be an easier wedding for you. So no decision need to be made that way.

Michel：Karen， finally—bridezilla…（laugh） If there is a bridezilla in your world who keeps giving you orders and， you know， demanding things and， you know， bachelorette weekends in Vegas and things of—just kind of a level of， you know， obedience that you perhaps were not signed up for.（langhs） What do you do？

Karen：I think you do what you can， when you can and the rest of it you have to let slide. You know it really—the bridezillas excuse is， this is the most important day of my life， and it has to be perfect. Well， if this is the most important day of your life， what does that say about the day your children are born， you know， the day you get the advanced degree you want， the day you find out youre cancerfree？ I mean， there are a lot of wonderful things one hopes that lie ahead for you， and the wedding is sort of a little punctuation point. But marriage may be， if youre lucky， for way longer than that. So focus more on the marriage， less on the wedding.

Michel：Thank you both so much.

Karen：Thanks， Michel.

Steven：Bye， Michel. Bye， Karen.

米歇爾·馬?。ㄖ鞒秩耍河值搅私Y(jié)婚的旺季。你可能會接到兩三場婚禮的邀約。因此關(guān)于婚禮——這是人生中最讓人感到壓力山大的事件之一，那么是為什么呢？好吧，這是因為人們不懂得如何在婚禮上表現(xiàn)嗎？所以我們再次請來了兩個最受歡迎的導(dǎo)師，告訴我們?nèi)绾巫尰槎Y順利進(jìn)行。他們也會回答你們在微博中給我們留言的問題。再一次和我們在一起的，是史蒂芬·彼得羅。他在給《華盛頓郵報》的禮儀專欄寫建議，也是《史蒂芬·彼得羅完整的同性戀行為》的作者。歡迎再次回來。

史蒂芬·彼得羅：很高興和你在一起聊天。

米歇爾：今天再次來到我們節(jié)目的，還有凱倫·格里格斯比·貝茨。她是禮儀書《非裔美國人基礎(chǔ)學(xué)——現(xiàn)代家庭教育》的作者，也是美國國家公共電臺的記者。凱倫·格里格斯比·貝茨，也歡迎你的再次到來。

凱倫·格里格斯比·貝茨：謝謝你，米歇爾。

米歇爾：那么凱倫，讓我先來問你，你經(jīng)常被問到的一些問題是什么？

凱倫：人們總是問的其中一個問題是：我接到了所謂的婚禮邀請，但是我不能去參加，需要送一份禮物過去嗎？

米歇爾：真的嗎？你認(rèn)為為什么這樣的問題會頻繁出現(xiàn)？

凱倫：因為現(xiàn)代人的經(jīng)濟(jì)很緊張?；槎Y總是一個接著一個來，人們總是為此憂心忡忡。我們現(xiàn)在正處于婚禮旺季的開始。我認(rèn)為從五月中旬到八月下旬、九月上旬都會有許多婚禮會進(jìn)行。

米歇爾：那么這個問題怎么解決呢？

凱倫：好吧，我總是說婚禮的邀請不是等價交換物。這不是像你買了婚禮的入場券去給某人祝酒。結(jié)婚禮物的贈送起源于從前那些婚前一直跟父母住在一起的新人，因此他們沒有什么家居用品。你懂的，你的所有東西都在你媽媽那里?，F(xiàn)在的情侶經(jīng)常會住在一起，或者他們也工作了一段時間。他們買了自己想要的東西，所以也許他們不需要或者不想要那么多東西。有時候我會在結(jié)婚登記處聽到人們說：“我一直在存錢去買非常非常想要的東西，但是如果你們想幫忙買我的超級攪拌機(jī)，我也很樂意接受，沒關(guān)系?！?/p>

米歇爾：然而有關(guān)人們問到的“我是否需要送禮物”的問題，你的答案是：不，你不需要。

凱倫：不，你沒必要送禮物。

米歇爾：好的。史蒂芬·彼得羅，你怎么認(rèn)為？你對此的看法是什么？

史蒂芬：送禮物真的是自愿的。但是我認(rèn)為，在這種情況下，鑒于那么多對新人都把禮物看作是心意，送一些禮物還是不錯的想法，這是象征性的表現(xiàn)。

米歇爾：史蒂芬，你寫了在許多情況下禮儀的變化，你也寫了日漸變化的社會習(xí)俗。我的意思是，人們正在接觸同性婚禮的新領(lǐng)域，這對許多人來說都很新鮮。這是一種新的體驗，他們會感到很不確定。你也寫了一些變化中的電子禮儀。最近經(jīng)常向你咨詢的問題是什么？

史蒂芬：好吧，對于那些同性戀的夫婦以及已經(jīng)受邀參加同性婚禮的人來說，這是一個新的領(lǐng)域。我把自己看作是一個在禮儀方面提供建議的欄目作家，一個幫助人們度過這些焦慮緊張時刻的心理醫(yī)師。因此對于男女同性戀者來說，這里有個問題，你知道的，媽媽和爸爸會幫我們籌備婚禮嗎？但是這種事通常不會發(fā)生，因為，像凱倫剛剛提到的，這些情侶在一起已經(jīng)有一段時間了。他們有家居用品，而且能承擔(dān)婚禮的費用。對于父母來說也存在許多問題。還是那個問題，他們會支付婚禮的費用嗎？爸爸要和兒子跳第一支舞嗎？不，這些事通常都不會發(fā)生。父母會陪同性戀新人一起步入禮堂嗎？這種情況有時候會發(fā)生。這是一種美好而有寓意的儀式，但是很多新人都是兩人一起進(jìn)去的。他們喜歡這種相互陪同、一起步入禮堂的形式。

米歇爾：史蒂芬，你最近在其中一個欄目寫了我認(rèn)為對很多人來說都是敏感的話題——家庭成員沒有承認(rèn)他們之間的關(guān)系。那么這里就會引發(fā)一個問題：如果這對情侶打算讓他們的關(guān)系更進(jìn)一步，承擔(dān)責(zé)任，步入婚姻的殿堂，那么他們應(yīng)該邀請過去一直不贊成他們結(jié)合的重要家庭成員嗎？你給出了一個讓所有人特別驚訝的答案。一些人聽到了會不高興。你愿意跟我們分享下嗎？

史蒂芬：我很樂意。你說得對，很多人都對此表示不滿。有一個特別的例子，一位女性朋友寫道：她告訴父母準(zhǔn)備和未婚妻結(jié)婚，然而他們并沒有送上祝福。他們沒有真正作出回應(yīng)。所以現(xiàn)在他們在討論是否應(yīng)該邀請她們的父母。而我的答案是，應(yīng)該。堂堂正正地（把結(jié)婚的事告訴他們），擁抱他們。這是家人應(yīng)該做的事。我給父母們的建議是接受——這不意味著你要為同性婚姻投票，也不意味著你要為自由婚姻買單。這只是表明你在支持你的女兒。但是贊成我這個說法的人數(shù)是一半。許多跟我想法一致的人都認(rèn)同，改變觀點和想法的方法是邀請人們?nèi)⒓踊槎Y。你知道的，我的意思是，有誰去參加婚禮不會眼泛淚光的？所以你知道的，人們應(yīng)該能夠了解，這是關(guān)乎愛與責(zé)任的事。但是有許多人也認(rèn)為你不應(yīng)該伸出這條橄欖枝。這對新人已經(jīng)被指責(zé)了，不能讓他們再次處于水深火熱之中。

米歇爾：好的，凱倫，那么，聊聊我們之前說的有關(guān)省錢的問題。許多人為了省錢，不派請?zhí)＿@不僅僅是省錢的問題——對與一些人來說這是道德的問題。他們認(rèn)為如果你能省去請?zhí)玫募垙?，為什么不這樣做呢？所以你對派電子請?zhí)窃趺纯吹模?/p>

凱倫：噢，我恐怕不支持派電子婚禮請?zhí)?。如果是生日派對，可以。如果是百樂餐（譯者注：每人自帶一個菜的家庭聚會），不錯。如果是校友聚會，沒問題。我認(rèn)為婚禮是不同的。你知道的，它們是一種莊嚴(yán)的慶典，一個里程碑。這是像我這般保守的人想要保持的想法。所以我想自己的婚禮請?zhí)且孕偶姆绞郊某觥獛о]票的信封，并附上回郵信封。

米歇爾：（笑）好的。那么史蒂芬，一位來自紐約錫拉丘茲的詹娜在微博中問你的問題是：我需要選一位伴娘嗎？我在三個閨蜜中很難作抉擇。

史蒂芬：不，詹娜不需要作選擇。真的，伴娘們就是起到統(tǒng)籌的作用，越多人事情辦起來越順利。你可以給她們更多的任務(wù)，這樣你的婚禮辦起來就更輕松。所以這種情況根本不用作選擇。

米歇爾：凱倫，最后，有關(guān)難纏的新娘……（笑）如果你遇到了一個難纏的新娘，總是一直給你發(fā)號施令，你知道的，要求多多，你懂的，例如去拉斯維加斯過一個婚前單身的周末——你知道的，就是達(dá)到那種你很難妥協(xié)的程度。（笑）你會怎么做呢？

凱倫：我想如果可以的話，你只能盡你所能，其他的就只能順其自然了。你知道的，難纏新娘的理由是：這是我生命中最重要的一天，它必須完美。好吧，如果這是你生命中最重要的一天，那么你孩子出生那天呢，你獲得高學(xué)位的一天呢，你發(fā)現(xiàn)自己沒有癌癥的一天呢？我的意思是，在你面前還有許多美好的事，而婚禮只是一個小小的樂章。但是婚姻，如果你能幸運走下去的話，會比婚禮的時間更加漫長。所以把注意力更多地放在婚姻上，少關(guān)注一些婚禮。

米歇爾：非常感謝二位！

凱倫：謝謝，米歇爾。

史蒂芬：再見，米歇爾。再見，凱倫。

婚禮籌備小貼士美麗新娘七部曲

1.什么時候開始準(zhǔn)備？

大家都說，越早準(zhǔn)備越好。不過多早才算早？其實美容護(hù)膚本來就是每個女人天天都應(yīng)該做的，但是建議你在結(jié)婚日的6至12個月前，就開始特別注意肌膚的保養(yǎng)。

2.注意飲食

最重要是從飲食習(xí)慣方面下手，少吃煎炸，多吃清蒸食物，對一向隨心所欲的你，可能痛苦一點，但為了在婚禮上以最完美的容顏展現(xiàn)在賓客面前，這一切都是值得的！

3.定期做運動

運動不但能令身材保持健美，穿起婚紗和晚裝更好看，而且還能促進(jìn)血液循環(huán)、加快新陳代謝，使肌膚看起來也更容光煥發(fā)。運動健身的方法有很多種，最有效的當(dāng)然是上健身院讓專業(yè)導(dǎo)師給你正確的指導(dǎo)。

4.開始定期做面部護(hù)理

找個你可信賴的護(hù)膚中心，開始定期做面部護(hù)理。讓護(hù)膚專家解決你的皮膚問題，總好過婚期臨近時，才來為臉上冒起的暗瘡緊張。

5.注意卸妝步驟

不徹底卸妝，往往是損害肌膚的致命傷。擁有一套優(yōu)質(zhì)的潔面產(chǎn)品，將為你省去對抗皮膚問題的麻煩。如非必要，你也應(yīng)該在這期間盡量減少化妝，讓肌膚好好休息，結(jié)婚當(dāng)天你自然會看起來神采飛揚。

6.化妝和發(fā)型

盡早聯(lián)絡(luò)化妝師和發(fā)型師，讓他了解你的皮膚問題和需要，同時培養(yǎng)雙方的默契。最好能找到一位身兼二職的化妝兼造型師，可以減少溝通上的麻煩。提前試妝很重要，不要等到最后一秒才和化妝師鬧意見，到時你想換化妝師恐怕也來不及了。

7.舒解壓力

壓力可能來自雙方家長、安排婚紗婚禮的商家負(fù)責(zé)人、甚至意見不合的另一半。這些煩惱的事都是在所難免的，最重要是懂得如何舒解，或是找人和你分擔(dān)?；I備工作不妨找個知心朋友幫忙，凡事親力親為是好事，但沒必要事無大小都讓自己操心費神。你還是做好你分內(nèi)的事——準(zhǔn)備以最佳狀態(tài)當(dāng)個最漂亮的新娘吧！

婚禮五大經(jīng)典用花

玫瑰 結(jié)婚一般用紅色玫瑰，寓意真摯的感情。因為紅玫瑰是表達(dá)愛情的專用花卉，所以它是結(jié)婚鮮花搭配中應(yīng)用最廣的一個。玫瑰花容秀美，有“花中皇后”之稱。但不是所有的紅玫瑰品種都是好花材，一般作為結(jié)婚用花的紅玫瑰品種要求花大、色鮮、形美、梗長（35至45厘米）、花瓣厚實，如沙特阿拉伯的烏丹玫瑰、英國的紅玫瑰等。而我國引種的紅衣主教、薩曼莎（薩門達(dá)）以它們高雅的氣度獨占花魁。

郁金香 是結(jié)婚用花的好材料，常選用紅、黃、紫、白幾種顏色的郁金香。紅色花意為愛的告白;黃色花語為愛的來臨;紫色花意為愛的永恒;白色花語為愛的純潔。

百合 結(jié)婚用花中，百合被廣泛使用，寓意“百年好合”或“百事合意”。我國種植百合歷史悠久，被視為傳統(tǒng)吉祥花卉，古代稱紅百合為“山丹”，又稱黃百合為“火王”，有蘇東坡詩為證：“堂前種山丹，錯落瑪瑙盤。”

康乃馨 又名香石竹，其中大紅和桃紅的康乃馨是結(jié)婚用花銷量最大的花卉品種之一，前者花意為“女性之愛”，后者花語為“不求代價的愛”，一般常用于新娘捧花、新郎胸花、婚禮花籃、花車、新房等。

蝴蝶蘭 又稱蝶蘭，花形似蝴蝶，芳姿艷質(zhì)，艷壓群葩，素有“蘭中皇后”之稱，是新娘捧花、頭花、肩花、腕花、襟花的主要花材，花意為“我愛你，清秀脫俗，青春永駐”。