凱特·利弗

Loneliness is a stealthy bastard. It can settle in on your soul without you even noticing， until the texture of the words appears on your tongue one day： “I’m lonely.” It’s a hollow melancholy that wraps itself around your heart and stays there， whispering fear of social rejection1 in your ear and growing stronger， feeding on your insecurities.

As much as we may like to think it is a symptom of old age， it can touch anyone from any age or demographic2.

Loneliness ravages our immune system， leaves us more vulnerable to cancer， affects our heart health， lowers our pain threshold， raises our blood pressure， tightens our arteries and puts us at greater risk of dementia3. It is， as I said， a real bastard.

And so， how do you stop being lonely？

The very first thing is to identify it. Naming the feeling， saying the words “I’m lonely” out loud， and preferably in the presence of a trusted human being， strips that malevolent4 emotion of some of its power. Loneliness relies on mystery to survive; it needs to nestle into your psyche undetected in order to make you feel your emptiest.

Loneliness is at its most potent when you mistake it for something else—for depression， for heartache， for garden variety5 sadness. When you find the courage to admit that you are lonely， you claim a little control back for yourself. Shame clings to loneliness like a pernicious6 little pilot fish7， so it’s best to vanquish it as quickly as possible. It is not shameful to be lonely—it is human and it is natural and it is salvageable.

Next， you must truly understand it. Loneliness is not necessarily the same thing as social isolation8. Perhaps the cruellest thing about loneliness is that it can exist in the company of others. You can feel lonely in a relationship， lonely at a party， lonely in the middle of a wedding with 200 guests. For my book on this very topic， The Friendship Cure， strangers generously shared their experiences of loneliness with me， and it was astonishing how often it affected healthy， sociable people with plenty of friends.

Perhaps my favourite description was from a woman called Amy， who said that loneliness is like being at a silent disco—a party where guests dance to music they’re listening to through headphones—but she’s the only person in the seething， sweaty crowd who can’t hear it. A man called Dave said he feels the sting of loneliness on his commute every day， somewhere in the space between work Dave and home Dave.

Between them， Amy and Dave have captured what loneliness is： it is the fear of being alone， more than the act of being alone. It is that frightening gap between our multiple identities， when we press pause on the persona we present to the world and actually have to confront who we may be as people. It is the chasm9 between our expectations of life and the reality. The feeling that there is something missing.

And so， in order to truly tame it， you must find out what is missing. Loneliness often thrives on a feeling of inadequacy， or self-doubt， or trauma. Group or individual therapy may help to work out what is bothering you. As a minimum， some earnest introspection is required. What could be the cause of your loneliness， especially if you are not physically alone or unable to leave the house？ And if you are emotionally captive in your own home， what is stopping you from leaving？ Cognitive behavioural therapy10 may help， or simply a game of netball at the local sports club.

Finally， you must push yourself to reconnect with people in order to bid it goodbye. Studies by Professors John and Stephanie Cacioppo suggest that loneliness makes us grouchier11， more defensive， less open to socialising and more likely to push away the very people who could keep us company through an existential crisis12 （or at the very least get brunch）.

And so， you must urgently find the courage to get out and interact with other human beings in a meaningful way. You must start by putting yourself literally in the presence of other human beings. That could begin with a message， a coffee date， a walk in the park， a Sunday roast at the pub. But—this is important—be strategic about your friendships and do an audit13 of the people in your life.

You could be lonely because you’re catching up with14 people who do not lift you up， nourish you， make your life lighter. The very best cure for loneliness is genuine， loyal， fierce， loving friendship—the kind that makes you feel complete， the kind that makes you feel sentimentally satiated15. If you do not have these friends in your life already， you must seek them out. That is hard， but who ever said fighting loneliness was easy？

And then， you have one final task. Loneliness is a deeply private affliction， you see， but it’s also a modern public health crisis. To eradicate loneliness altogether we must launch an aggressive campaign of kindness towards other people. We must find a way to care and be cared for， to overhaul the way we interact as a species， to value friendship in a way we have forgotten. Only then， will we be able to stop the bastard.

孤獨(dú)是個(gè)鬼鬼祟祟的混蛋。它能在你毫無察覺時(shí)潛伏于你的靈魂，直到有一天你嘗到“我很孤獨(dú)”這幾字劃過舌尖的滋味。它是一片虛無的愁云慘霧，籠罩著你的內(nèi)心久久不散，一邊在你耳邊低語著對社會(huì)排斥的恐懼，一邊以你的惶恐不安為食而日漸壯大。

我們可能都認(rèn)為這是一個(gè)與老齡掛鉤的癥狀，但它卻能找上任何年齡或群體的任何人。

孤獨(dú)損害免疫系統(tǒng)，削弱腫瘤防御，影響心臟健康，降低疼痛閾，升高血壓，繃緊動(dòng)脈，增加罹患癡呆的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)。正如我所說，它，是個(gè)十足的混蛋。

既然如此，怎樣才能不孤獨(dú)？

你要做的第一件事是發(fā)現(xiàn)它。給這種感覺定名，大聲喊出“我很孤獨(dú)”這幾個(gè)字，其時(shí)身邊最好有一個(gè)你信任的人陪伴，以此削弱那種惡意的情緒。孤獨(dú)依賴秘密存活，它需要不被發(fā)覺地縮匿于你的靈魂，使你感受自己最空虛的一面。

當(dāng)你把孤獨(dú)錯(cuò)認(rèn)為其他東西，比如抑郁、心痛或者普通的傷心時(shí)，也正是它最為強(qiáng)大的時(shí)候。當(dāng)你尋得勇氣承認(rèn)自身的孤獨(dú)時(shí)，你才為自己奪回了一點(diǎn)兒控制權(quán)。羞恥就如一尾依附于孤獨(dú)的惡毒引水魚，最好盡快擊潰它。孤獨(dú)并不羞恥——它符合人性，順從自然，足可挽救。

下一步，你必須真正理解它。孤獨(dú)未必等同于社會(huì)隔絕。或許關(guān)于孤獨(dú)最殘酷的一點(diǎn)在于，他人的陪伴也不能將其抹除。你可能在戀愛中感到孤獨(dú)，在派對上感到孤獨(dú)，在有著200位賓客的婚禮中感到孤獨(dú)。我的書《友情靈藥》就是關(guān)于這個(gè)話題的，在創(chuàng)作過程中，很多陌生人慷慨地與我分享了他們的孤獨(dú)經(jīng)歷，令人震驚的是，孤獨(dú)竟經(jīng)常影響那些健康、好交際、朋友成群的人。

或許其中我最喜歡的一段描述來自一位叫艾米的女性，她說孤獨(dú)有如身處一個(gè)寂靜的迪斯科舞廳，聚會(huì)上的客人全都伴著耳機(jī)播放的音樂起舞，而她是唯一一個(gè)身處沸騰而汗?jié)竦娜巳褐袇s聽不見音樂的人。一位叫戴夫的男性說，他每天上下班途中都能感到來自孤獨(dú)的蜇刺，那時(shí)他恰處于“職場戴夫”與“居家戴夫”之間的某一點(diǎn)。

綜合他們兩人的感受，艾米和戴夫已經(jīng)抓住了孤獨(dú)的本質(zhì)：比起獨(dú)處本身，孤獨(dú)更多的是對獨(dú)處這一行為的恐懼。它是我們多重身份之間駭人的差別——當(dāng)我們暫停展示呈現(xiàn)在世人面前的個(gè)人形象，不得不直面作為人的真實(shí)自我;它是我們對生活的期望與現(xiàn)實(shí)之間的鴻溝;它是那種缺少了什么東西的感覺。

因此，為了真正馴服孤獨(dú)，你必須找到缺少的是什么。孤獨(dú)經(jīng)常在缺乏自信、自我懷疑或者精神創(chuàng)傷時(shí)旺盛生長。群體或個(gè)體心理治療或可幫助找出是什么在困擾你。至少，你需要一些真誠的內(nèi)?。河绕洚?dāng)你并非真正一個(gè)人獨(dú)處，或并非無法離家的時(shí)候，你孤獨(dú)的原因可能是什么？還有，假如你在情感上將自我禁錮家中，是什么阻止你離開？認(rèn)知行為療法或可幫到你，或者就在當(dāng)?shù)伢w育俱樂部打一場無擋板籃球。

最后，為了告別孤獨(dú)，你必須強(qiáng)迫自己重新與人聯(lián)系。約翰·卡喬波與斯蒂芬妮·卡喬波兩位教授的研究指出，孤獨(dú)使我們更愛抱怨、更重戒備，社交時(shí)更難敞開心扉，也更有可能推開能陪伴我們度過某個(gè)存在危機(jī)的人（或者至少是能陪我們吃早午餐的那個(gè)人）。

因此，你必須趕快找到勇氣擺脫并與他人進(jìn)行有意義的互動(dòng)。開始時(shí)，你必須讓自己真正建立起與他人的聯(lián)系。這可以從一條信息、一次咖啡約會(huì)、一段公園散步或周日的一頓酒吧燒烤做起。但有一點(diǎn)很重要——對友誼要抱著審慎的態(tài)度，好好審視你周圍的人。

你之所以感到孤獨(dú)，有可能因?yàn)橛錾系娜瞬]有提升你、滋養(yǎng)你或者使你的生活更輕松。對抗孤獨(dú)最好的藥就是誠懇、忠貞、強(qiáng)烈而充滿愛的友誼——那種使你感到生活完滿、情感得到滿足的友誼。假如現(xiàn)在你的生活里還沒有這樣的朋友，你必須去尋找他們。那很難，但誰又說過對抗孤獨(dú)是件易事呢？

然后，你還有最后一個(gè)任務(wù)。要知道，孤獨(dú)是一種極度私密的痛苦，但它同樣是現(xiàn)代社會(huì)的公共健康危機(jī)。要把孤獨(dú)徹底鏟除，必須大力發(fā)起一場善待他人的行動(dòng)。必須找到一種方法送出關(guān)懷與接受關(guān)懷，徹底改變我們作為一個(gè)物種的溝通方式，以一種早已遺忘的方式來珍視友誼。唯有如此，我們才能阻止孤獨(dú)這個(gè)混蛋。

（譯者為“《英語世界》杯”翻譯大賽獲獎(jiǎng)選手）