趙伐

【寫(xiě)作任務(wù)】

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進(jìn)行續(xù)寫(xiě)，使之構(gòu)成一個(gè)完整的故事。

Megan is a bright and curious little girl， as are most children of eight years old. When walking she looks up， down， or sideways， never where shes going. One day， she spotted， partly covered by leaves and litter， a 100 dollar bill. She looked to see if anyone was watching and bent down to crumple the bill in her tiny hand. Sliding it into her jacket pocket， she took another guilty look around and then hurried off to school.

Her day was spent watching her jacket hung on the wall by the door. During lunch， she took it off and ran to the far side of the playground to pull out the crumpled bill and stare at it and see that it was real and now belonged to her. When some older kids wandered by， she put it back into her pocket quickly and rushed back into the school.

It wasnt until she was riding home on the school bus that she started to wonder about who the bill had belonged to before it came to be hers. “Probably somebody rich”， she thought. “Why else would they be so careless with 100 dollars？”

She imagined a tall man in a fine wool jacket walking to his big car and pulling out a roll of money， not noticing as one bill drifted to the ground. Putting the roll back in his pocket， he climbed into his car and drove away. Just then， a wind blew some leaves to cover most of the lost bill.

But then she thought， what if the bill had been a present for his little niece living with her grandma because her parents were killed in a car crash. Shed have treasured that 100 dollars because it came from her generous uncle. And shed be dreaming， even now if she hadnt realized shed lost it， of all the toys and treats the bill could buy. She could use it to buy a present for her grandmother. She would be heartbroken to find shed lost that $100.

注意：

1.應(yīng)使用5個(gè)以上短文中標(biāo)有下畫(huà)線的關(guān)鍵詞語(yǔ);

2.續(xù)寫(xiě)部分分為兩段，每段的開(kāi)頭語(yǔ)已寫(xiě)好;

3.續(xù)寫(xiě)完成后，請(qǐng)用下畫(huà)線標(biāo)出你所使用的關(guān)鍵詞語(yǔ)。

Paragraph 1：

Walking slowly towards her house， she debated whether to tell her mom of her new-found treasure. Obviously she would lose it if she told mom1. She knew the chance to keep this fortune2 was slim for mom had never been a pushover. How she wished she could own the bill， but the whole day she was haunted by guilty3. It might be the last glimmer of hope for a child.4? For an honest kid likes5 Megan， greed may occupy6 her for a while， but determination7 always wins out. Finally， she hung out her fortune from the jacket after the dinner.8

Paragraph 2：

The next day was Saturday， and Megan and her mom arrived at the local supermarket early. It was the largest chance they could return the Franklin to its careless owner.9? Sitting on a bench opposite the toy shop， Megan stared at the cute dolls in an upset10 mood. They could have been hers！ After two hours11 patient waiting， they finally found that12 a young boy staring at the ground， who seemed axiously13 looking for something. There is no doubt he is14 the loser. Mom asked Megan give the bill back and after she returning， she found excitedly that a large doll was bought by mom. 15 It was a reward to the priceless goods， a pure honest angels heart.

【趙教授批改】

1.前一句出現(xiàn)過(guò)her mom，這里可用her來(lái)指代。如果單獨(dú)使用mom，則需首字母大寫(xiě)Mom。

2.fortune可改為treasure， 以呼應(yīng)第一句中的new-found treasure。

3.guilty是形容詞，應(yīng)改為名詞guilt。

4.last glimmer of hope指的是什么？這里表述得不清楚，建議刪去此句。

5.like（s）是動(dòng)詞，這里應(yīng)該使用介詞like。

6.occupy的賓語(yǔ)一般為表示空間的詞語(yǔ)，而這里的賓語(yǔ)是人，建議改為take hold of。

7.光是determination，意思還不夠完整，建議加上determination to be an honest girl。

8.hung是hang的過(guò)去分詞，意思是“懸掛”，而這里的意思是“交出”，改為handed。

9.Franklin原本指百元美鈔上的富蘭克林頭像，這里喻指那張百元美鈔。不過(guò)，這種修辭手法雖然可以營(yíng)造出一種調(diào)侃的口吻，但整篇文章的語(yǔ)氣卻比較正式，因此，這里突然出現(xiàn)調(diào)侃顯得比較突兀。整句話(huà)建議改為：There was a good chance for them to find the careless owner there and return the bill to him.

10.上一段已經(jīng)寫(xiě)她下定決心要做誠(chéng)實(shí)的孩子，這里的upset似乎缺少呼應(yīng)。建議改為longingly。

11.two hours patient waiting改為two hours patient waiting。

12.found that改為saw，可直接跟上賓語(yǔ)a young boy。

13.axiously有拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤，正確拼寫(xiě)是anxiously。

14.is改為was; he is改為he was。作者在敘述一件過(guò)去發(fā)生的事，因此這里的動(dòng)詞必須用過(guò)去時(shí)態(tài)。

15.這句話(huà)有多處錯(cuò)誤，修改如下：Mom asked Megan（to）give the bill back （to the boy） and after she returning （that），? Megan（she改為Megan， 因?yàn)榍懊娴闹髡Z(yǔ)是Mom，這里用she容易混淆）found excitedly that a large doll was bought by mom （her mom）.

【趙教授總結(jié)】

續(xù)寫(xiě)的第一段較好地?cái)⑹隽薓egan撿到百元大鈔想據(jù)為己有，但回家之后卻忐忑不安的矛盾心情。不過(guò)，這一段的最后一句還需添加一個(gè)銜接句，如：Both the mother and the daughter agreed to find the bills owner the next day.為下一段的第一句做鋪墊。第二段描寫(xiě)了次日Megan與母親一起找到失主的經(jīng)歷。語(yǔ)言較為流暢，但還存在較多的語(yǔ)法、用法錯(cuò)誤。修改后的段落如下：

Walking slowly towards her house， she debated whether to tell her mom of her new-found treasure. Obviously， she would lose it if she told Mom. She knew the chance to keep this treasure was slim， for Mom had never been a pushover as far as ones morals are concerned. How she wished she could own the bill， but the whole day she was haunted by guilt. For an honest kid like Megan， greed may take hold of her for a while， but determination to be an honest girl always wins out. Finally， she handed out her fortune from the jacket after the dinner. Both the mother and the daughter agreed to find the bills owner the next day.

The next day was Saturday， and Megan and her mom arrived at the local supermarket early. There was a good chance for them to find the careless owner there and return the bill to him. Sitting on a bench opposite the toy shop， Megan stared longingly at the cute dolls in the shop windows. They could have been hers！ After two hours patient waiting， they finally saw a young boy staring at the ground， who seemed anxiously to look for something. There was no doubt he was the loser. Mom asked Megan to give the bill back to the boy. After that， Megan found excitedly that a large doll was bought by her mom. It was a reward to a priceless thing in her， a pure honest angels heart.