徐詩(shī)祺

在寫作中，很多同學(xué)會(huì)茫然：為什么我達(dá)到了所有的要求，作文分?jǐn)?shù)依然不高？想要找到失分的關(guān)鍵，不妨來(lái)看看你的作文是否有以下問(wèn)題。

[語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤]

語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤是同學(xué)們寫作中最容易出現(xiàn)的問(wèn)題。

1. 時(shí)態(tài)和語(yǔ)態(tài)錯(cuò)誤

Mick was fell off the bike when cycling across the road. （fall off表示“跌倒”，不用被動(dòng)形式，去掉was）

I read the announcement of the summer camp that you have posted on the Internet and I was interested in it. （“我”是“現(xiàn)在”感興趣，was改為am）

2. 名詞單復(fù)數(shù)及主謂一致錯(cuò)誤

Im sorry to tell you a bad news about Mick.（news是不可數(shù)名詞，意為“消息”，a改為a piece of）

The sport stadiums is very great and is highly spoken of by the foreigners. （stadiums的謂語(yǔ)應(yīng)用are）

3. 詞性混淆

Here I will provide you with my suggests. （suggests改為名詞suggestions）

4. 搭配錯(cuò)誤

Under the help of the teacher， I have made great progress in English studies. （under改為with）

5. 句子結(jié)構(gòu)混亂

In the beginning， everything going well. （描述過(guò)去的事情，going改為went）

There are many students hold an opposite view on this issue. （一句話有兩個(gè)謂語(yǔ)，hold前加who或者h(yuǎn)old改holding）

[中式英語(yǔ)]

同學(xué)們?cè)趯懽鳟?dāng)中難免受到漢語(yǔ)思維的影響。這主要體現(xiàn)在以下兩個(gè)方面。

1. 逐字逐句翻譯

我很遺憾地告訴你，Mick昨天發(fā)生了一起小事故。

Im sorry to tell you Mick happened a slight accident yesterday. （F）

Im sorry to tell you a slight accident happened to Mick yesterday. （T）

happen是不及物動(dòng)詞，“某人發(fā)生某事”應(yīng)用sth.happens/happened to sb.。

英漢句子的語(yǔ)序與漢語(yǔ)存在巨大差異。掌握五種基本句型是寫好英語(yǔ)句子的基礎(chǔ)。

2. 用詞不當(dāng)

Dont worry. He has been well settled in the hospital now.

To be a volunteer， in my opinion， means I should not only serve visitors heart and soul but also be on behalf of our Chinese cultures.

第一句中，settle in表示遷入新居并安頓好，不適用于醫(yī)院，改為He is in hospital now and will recover soon。

第二句，“我不僅應(yīng)該全心全意為游客服務(wù)，而且代表著中國(guó)文化”聽(tīng)起來(lái)非常生硬，把后半句改為but also spread our Chinese cultures to the best of my ability。

[誤用復(fù)雜句式]

總有同學(xué)在作文中不遺余力地套用復(fù)雜句式，但為用而用往往會(huì)得不償失。

1. 句式不正確

However， we were about to cross the road when Mick fell off the bike， only to find his leg was broken seriously.

此句套用了be about to do ... when ... 和only to do，但是意思表達(dá)并不正確。only to do引導(dǎo)結(jié)果狀語(yǔ)時(shí)表示意料之外的結(jié)果，此處應(yīng)改為having his leg seriously broken。

So willing am I to provide you with some latest information.

此句是so ... that ... （如此……以至于……）句型的誤用。從意思上來(lái)看，此句并不需要強(qiáng)調(diào)“我是如此的愿意以至于……”，所以應(yīng)更正為I am so willing to provide you with some latest information。

2. 句式不恰當(dāng)

It is universally acknowledged that Mick is good at riding bikes， so we were surprised that he fell off the bike.

Im Li Hua， a student who is taught by Mick.

Im sorry to tell you Mick was injured by accident. It was my carelessness that contributes to his injury.

以上三句均沒(méi)有語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，還使用了較為高級(jí)的句式，但都不恰當(dāng)。第一句中的it is universally acknowledged that適用于表達(dá)世所公認(rèn)的事實(shí)，用在此處過(guò)于夸張，建議刪掉；第二個(gè)句子運(yùn)用了定語(yǔ)從句，卻讓一個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的句子復(fù)雜化，違背了書信的交際功能，建議改為Im Li Hua， one of Micks students；第三句運(yùn)用了強(qiáng)調(diào)句，但是意思表達(dá)有誤，此處不應(yīng)該強(qiáng)調(diào)“我的失誤導(dǎo)致他受傷”，建議刪掉。

[添加無(wú)關(guān)信息]

高考作文的要求之一是“適當(dāng)增加細(xì)節(jié)，以使行文連貫”。增加細(xì)節(jié)的目的是加強(qiáng)文章的連貫性，添加無(wú)意義的信息只會(huì)淹沒(méi)作文的重點(diǎn)，讓作文不知所云。

在向Mick的媽媽告知Mick騎車受傷的作文中，有同學(xué)寫道：

We were very happy to enjoy the beautiful scenery along the journey and the villagers were so friendly that we had a big meal together.

Could you bring some personal things of Micks to Zhong Hua hospital？ The room number is 305.

以上兩句的共同問(wèn)題是不符合語(yǔ)境。第一句與書信內(nèi)容毫無(wú)關(guān)系，對(duì)情節(jié)的推動(dòng)也沒(méi)有任何作用；第二句不切實(shí)際。按常理推斷，Mick的媽媽在國(guó)外，根本不可能出現(xiàn)在醫(yī)院。此二句均屬無(wú)關(guān)信息，應(yīng)當(dāng)刪除。

另有同學(xué)寫道：

Yesterday， I invited Mick to take a bike trip with us around the city wall， where the beautiful cherry tree were in full blossom. So absorbed in the spectacular scenery， Mick didnt notice the stone in front and fell off the bike， having his leg broken.

該同學(xué)在題干給出的簡(jiǎn)單信息“一天和同學(xué)邀請(qǐng)外教Mick騎自行車去游玩。途中，Mick不慎摔倒”的基礎(chǔ)上，補(bǔ)充了邀約Mick的時(shí)間、地點(diǎn)、原因及Mick摔倒的原因，讓作文的內(nèi)容更加完整，邏輯更加連貫。

[語(yǔ)氣和情感態(tài)度不合情理]

一篇優(yōu)秀作文必行文的語(yǔ)氣和情感態(tài)度要得當(dāng)。而這正是同學(xué)們現(xiàn)階段寫作中最容易忽視的問(wèn)題。

例如，在邀請(qǐng)外教參加生日派對(duì)的書信中這樣寫：

Im wondering if you are available that day. Would you mind joining us？ What a pity if you refuse our invitation.

寫信的對(duì)象是外教，并非陌生人，Im wondering if和would you mind這樣的表達(dá)過(guò)于委婉；if you refuse our invitation語(yǔ)氣太過(guò)生硬，也不合適。

在向Mick媽媽告知Mick騎車受傷的作文中，有同學(xué)這樣寫：

Im sorry to tell you something bad about Mick. Details are as follows.

Unfortunately， Mick fell off the bike in order not to hit a dog.

Sad as we were， we called a taxi and sent his to hospital.

as follows適用于列舉一條條事項(xiàng)，不適合作為描述一個(gè)具體事件的轉(zhuǎn)折句；Mick不慎摔倒應(yīng)該是suddenly（突然地）而不是unfortunately（不幸地）；我們sad（悲傷）和我們把他送到醫(yī)院不構(gòu)成轉(zhuǎn)折關(guān)系。且這是一封給Mick媽媽說(shuō)明情況的書信，sad表達(dá)的情緒過(guò)于沉重，看起來(lái)好像mick發(fā)生了重大的不幸，不如改為Worried as we were， we first gave comfort to him and then took him to hospital。

自然、恰到好處地流露情感，是點(diǎn)亮作文的一大利器。如同樣表達(dá)“送Mick去醫(yī)院”，有同學(xué)用到了accompany和rush來(lái)替換take和send。不僅把“送去醫(yī)院”表達(dá)清楚了，并且體現(xiàn)了“我們”對(duì)Mick的陪伴或關(guān)心。