牟子龍

讀后續(xù)寫評(píng)分要求中有一項(xiàng)為“內(nèi)容豐富”，并對(duì)學(xué)生的語法結(jié)構(gòu)及詞匯豐富性做出了要求。而環(huán)境描寫可以有效增加細(xì)節(jié)，豐富內(nèi)容，若能靈活運(yùn)用，可以有效提高續(xù)寫能力。本文將以一篇“火場(chǎng)逃生”續(xù)寫介紹如何進(jìn)行環(huán)境描寫。

續(xù)寫原文（選自湖北高二聯(lián)考）

The event that stands out in Toms memory happened one morning when Tom was only ten years old. He was at home with his elder sister Jane. Tom was doing his homework when he heard raised voices. At first， he thought nothing of it since customers in the motorcycle shop directly below their flat often became loud， but he soon realized this time it was different.

“Quick！ Quick！ Remove the motorcycles from the shop.” someone yelled.

Then a thick burning smell filled the air. When Tom opened the front door of their flat to investigate， a thick cloud of smoke greeted him. The motorcycle shop had caught fire and people were running and crying.

Jane， who had been playing the violin in her room， hurried to the living room. They rushed out of the door and along the corridor （走廊） through the smoke.

They were heading towards the stairway at the far end of the corridor when Jane stopped in her track. She turned around and headed back the way they came. Tom had no idea what she was doing， but he followed suit （照著做）.

Jane had suddenly remembered the lady in her 70s who lived next door to them， who they called Makcik， Malay （馬來西亞語） for auntie. Jane began banging on Makciks door， but got no answer. As the smoke thickened around them， Tom could see many of their neighbors—some still in their pyjamas—running for safety. The thought of fear crossed his mind.

“She would have run for safety like everyone else！” Tom cried. However， Jane refused to give up. “I knowMakciks still inside.” She said she was familiar with Makciks daily routine and was certain she would still be sleeping. She pounded the door. “Go downstairs. Go now！ Go！” Tom urged.

Paragraph1： Tom noticed the flame was reaching up.____________

Paragraph 2： Luckily， some neighbors passing by stopped and offered help.____________

一、借體感寫環(huán)境

本文續(xù)寫首段提示句“noticed the flame was reaching up”從視覺角度表明火勢(shì)蔓延，突出危機(jī)感。學(xué)生續(xù)寫時(shí)，可以承接此處，以主角感官，通過see， hear， smell， feel， taste等引出環(huán)境，突出人物的視角，并達(dá)到豐富內(nèi)容及詞匯的目的。以下為相關(guān)例句：

[例1] The thick smoke rolled outwards and he almost could see nothing. （視覺）

[例2] He could also hear the crackling（噼啪聲） of the burning apartment. （聽覺）

[例3] He smelt the burnt wood and plastic and almost got choked （嗆到了）/ have difficulty in breathing / struggled for breath （難以呼吸）. （嗅覺、呼吸）

[例4] Feeling the heat licking （舔） his face， he knew the danger was approaching. （觸覺）

有時(shí)也可直接描寫客觀事物，而不突出主角的視角。此時(shí)，可通過選用特定的詞匯達(dá)到“五感寫景”的表達(dá)效果。請(qǐng)關(guān)注下列句子中的劃線表達(dá)：

[例5] Thick clouds of smoke/ fumes rose， filling the corridor and almost choking Tom. （視觸覺）

[例6] Within minutes the corridor was full of floating ashes that stung （刺痛） their eyes. （視觸覺）

[例7] Blasts of heated/ burning air hit Tom and he felt as if his face were burning in front of the blaze/ flame （火焰）. （視觸覺）

[例8] The suffocating fumes blurred their vision （令人窒息的濃煙阻擋了視線） and the way to the exit became invisible. （視覺）

[例9] There came nothing but the crackling and peoples screaming. （聽覺）

[例10] The stink （臭味） of something burnt made him cough a lot. （嗅覺）

二、運(yùn)用相關(guān)話題詞匯刻畫環(huán)境細(xì)節(jié)

環(huán)境細(xì)節(jié)指的是針對(duì)某場(chǎng)景擴(kuò)充與之相關(guān)的話題名詞、動(dòng)詞及形容詞等，在寫作中運(yùn)用這類詞，可以有效增加詞匯豐富性，增添文章色彩。

例如續(xù)寫第一段身陷火場(chǎng)容易讓人聯(lián)想起flame， blaze， smoke， ash， heated air， the stink of something burnt， crackling等詞匯（例句同上文）。同時(shí)，亦可通過使用與場(chǎng)景常見搭配的動(dòng)詞或形容詞將火場(chǎng)細(xì)節(jié)刻畫得更為生動(dòng)：

[例11] All of a sudden， the door was on fire （燃燒起來）/ burst into flame （猛地?zé)饋恚?

[例12] The violent （猛烈的） blaze swept through（席卷）/devoured （吞噬）/swallowed （吞下） the whole building and the corridor was filled with smelly （難聞的） smoke.

[例13] He rushed back into the blazing （熾熱的） house.

而續(xù)寫第二段，從首句可知，情節(jié)指向劫后余生，該段的重點(diǎn)并非環(huán)境描寫，但可以描寫火災(zāi)對(duì)建筑造成的災(zāi)害以突出“narrow escape”，例如可以有以下的場(chǎng)景描寫：

[例14] As they were making their way downstairs， the wall started to collapsed/ fell apart （崩塌）， adding extra difficulty. （墻體垮塌增加逃生困難）

[例15] Just as they dashed into the open air， part of the building crashed to the ground， making a big noise. （建筑垮塌，發(fā)出巨大的聲響與逃至空地形成對(duì)比，突出緊迫感）

三、使用修辭手法描寫環(huán)境

在續(xù)寫中，可使用擬人、暗喻、明喻（用like， as等引出喻體）、夸張等較易掌握的修辭格提升文章的水平。修辭亦可用于環(huán)境刻畫，例如：

[例16] The blaze stretched/ spread quickly and was eating the flat upwards. （擬人）

[例17] The flames stirred （顫動(dòng)）， crawled （爬過） through corridors， and approached （靠近） Tom. （擬人）

[例18] As the flame inched its way up （緩緩向上蔓延）， Tom had great difficulty in breathing. （擬人）

[例19] The flat seemed to stand at the very center of a volcano （仿若處于火山中心）. （暗喻、夸張）

[例20] Thick and black smoke rose like a roaring monster that was devouring everything around greedily （仿若一只貪婪吞噬周遭一切的咆哮野獸）. （明喻）

四、環(huán)境描寫與人物心理及動(dòng)作描寫結(jié)合

環(huán)境屬于細(xì)節(jié)描寫，續(xù)寫中不應(yīng)將過多的篇幅用于刻畫場(chǎng)景，而是可以將其與人物的心理描寫結(jié)合。在火場(chǎng)中，人物的主要心理活動(dòng)是恐懼、慌亂，而逃出火場(chǎng)則為釋然，以下是環(huán)境與人物心理描寫結(jié)合的例子：

[例21] Blasts of burning air hit Tom， and instantly he felt a wave of panic sweep over his body （驚慌之情蔓延全身）.

[例22] Thick grey clouds of smoke rose with ashes， almost choking Tom and filling him with pure fright/fear/ terror/ horror （使他充滿恐懼）.

[例23] As he breathed the fresh air， Tom sighed with great relief （如釋重負(fù)）.

以下是一篇關(guān)于暴風(fēng)雨場(chǎng)景的片段寫作，請(qǐng)使用盡可能多的環(huán)境微技能描寫使故事完整。

It was a regular day on the beach. Although there were high waves， many people were swimming in the warm water， laughing and trying to stand still as waves hit them hard. It was windy， but the sun was shining bright， so it was so pleasant to dive into the ocean and then lie on the sunloungers （日光浴椅）.

However， a large gray cloud was approaching， and people were leaving the beach to hide from the upcoming storm. I asked one of my friends， “Should we leave as well？ It seems it will rain soon.” However， he was confident that we still had time before the storm begins. “Calm down，” he said， “We have at least 30 minutes， there is no need to hurry.”

It turned out that we had no time at all.________________________

參考答案

Soon， the air became heavy， moist and sultry （空氣變得沉重、潮濕和悶熱）. Gusts of wind began to whip the trees violently （陣陣大風(fēng)開始猛烈地拍打樹木） and blew the sand into the air， hitting my face like knife （把沙子吹到空中，像刀子一樣打在我的臉上）. It was a struggle to open my eyes and even breathe （難以睜開眼睛甚至是呼吸）. When thick， dark clouds gathered （烏云聚攏） in the sky， the rumbling thunder roared like a monster （隆隆的雷聲像怪獸一樣咆哮） and the lightning revealed its sharp teeth （閃電露出鋒利的牙齒）. All of a sudden， heavy rain poured down （大雨傾瀉而下） and beads of raindrops traveled down my spine， arms， and legs （雨點(diǎn)順著我的脊椎、手臂和腿落下）. My friends and I were a sorry sight， soaked to the skin and shivering （全身濕透，顫抖著）. I had to shout to my friends to make myself heard but deafening cracks of thunder totally drowned my yells （震耳欲聾的雷聲完全淹沒了我的呼喊聲）. It felt like the eternity to reach the house. Later， as the sun appeared from behind the cloud， I could not but think the threatening beauty of nature.

責(zé)任編輯 ?吳昊雷