甘肅 段生榮

高考英語書面表達范文的亮點與“敗筆”
——以全國卷Ⅰ、卷Ⅱ為例

甘肅 段生榮

自上世紀90年代初以來，高考英語試題參考答案所提供的書面表達范文，一直被認為是“欽定版”的滿分作文，也是廣大考生追捧的模板，往往具有示范性、引領(lǐng)性和權(quán)威性的作用，可謂是“高大上”的名篇佳作。然而，通過研讀近年的書面表達范文，筆者發(fā)現(xiàn)，文章在亮點紛呈、不乏過人之處的同時，難免存在一些紕漏，現(xiàn)提出來與大家共同探討，以求對考生備考有所幫助。

【例一】（2014·全國卷Ⅱ）一家英語報社向中學生征文，主題是“十年后的我”。請根據(jù)下列要點和你的暢想完成短文。

1. 家庭；

2. 工作；

3. 業(yè)余生活。

注意：1. 詞數(shù)100左右；

2. 可以適當增加細節(jié)，以使行文連貫；

3. 開頭語已為你寫好。

I often imagine what my life will be like in the future._

One Possible Version：

I often imagine what my life will be like in the future. I think my life will be very different in ten years. I will be twenty-eight years old by then. I will have my own family，probably with a lovely child. I hope I will work in a computer company as a program designer. I will enjoy my work and get along well with my colleagues. I will do a good job in whatever I do. In my free time，I will continue to take regular exercise，such as swimming，running and various ball games. On my holidays，I will travel around the world. In a word，my life will be much richer and more colorful.

【分析】參考答案所提供的范文，暴露出其最大的“敗筆”：詞塊運用欠豐富。表述一般將來時，僅“I will...”的使用竟達七處之多，有單調(diào)泛濫之嫌。而下面這篇習作則避免了上述問題，值得我們學習和借鑒。

Me in the year 2024

I often imagine what my life will be like in the future. By 2024 I’ll have married and had a family of my own，probably a lovely kid too.To be honest，it’s my childhood dream to work as an English teacher in a middle school. Tough and challenging as the job may sound，I will go all out to make my lessons lively and interesting so that I can bring my students into the wonderful world of English. Meanwhile，I plan to devote most of my spare time to staying with my family，with whom I’m traveling around China，or even to the United States，if possible.

Such is my life in a decade，simple but happy.

請欣賞下面兩篇習作的參考范文，特別要注意其中相似結(jié)構(gòu)的不同表達方法。

（A）請根據(jù)下表提示，用英語寫一篇短文，介紹兩次獲得諾貝爾獎的法籍物理學家居里夫人（Madam Curie）。

人 物時 間人生經(jīng)歷1867年生于波蘭（Poland）1891年在巴黎大學學習，學習期間，生活艱苦，但她學習非?？炭?895年與皮埃爾·居里（Pierre Curie）結(jié)婚后，開始共同研究放射性物質(zhì)，他們發(fā)現(xiàn)了兩種放射性（radioactive）物質(zhì)釙（polonium）和鐳（radium）1904年她和丈夫獲得諾貝爾物理獎1906年居里先生去世后，她繼續(xù)研究1911年獲得諾貝爾化學獎

Madam Curie

Madam Curie，one of the greatest scientists in the world，was born in 1867 in Poland.

At the age of twenty-four she went to Paris University，where she studied very hard even if life was difficult for her. After graduation，she married Pierre Curie，and together they devoted themselves to the research into radioactive matter and discovered polonium and radium.

It was in 1904 that the Curies won the Nobel Prize for physics. Unluckily，two years later，her husband died. However，Madam Curie kept on with her research，and in her forties she received the Nobel Prize （at chemistry） for a second time.

【分析】上文對女主人公人生六個重要節(jié)點的表述匠心獨運，有異曲同工之妙。為避免重復(fù)，對兩次獲獎的情況也使用了不同的動詞來表達，堪稱上乘之作。

（B）受某英文報的委托，你最近對高中生的英語閱讀興趣做了一次調(diào)查。請根據(jù)以下信息，用英語為該報寫一篇100詞左右的短文。短文的標題及首句已為你寫好。

調(diào)查內(nèi)容：在新聞、故事、科普、學習方法四種英文文章中，學生最喜歡哪一種；

調(diào)查范圍：湖北省的10所中學；

調(diào)查對象：高中生；

調(diào)查人數(shù)：1 200；

調(diào)查方式：訪談；

調(diào)查結(jié)果：（見下圖）。

選擇各類英文文章人數(shù)的百分比

Reading Interests of Senior Middle School Students

Recently a survey has been done to find out the reading interests of senior middle school students. In this survey，over a thousand senior middle school students from ten schools in Hubei Province were interviewed. They were asked which they liked reading most among the four categories of English articles： news，stories，popular science articles and articles about learning methods.

The survey shows that more than half of the students like to read news most. Twenty-six percent of the students say that English stories are their favorite. Only seven percent of the students are most interested in reading articles about learning methods. However，the number of students who enjoy reading popular science articles doubles that of those who prefer reading articles about learning methods.

【分析】細讀范文，不難發(fā)現(xiàn)，作者對篩選出的典型數(shù)據(jù)（黑體部分）以及“喜好”（畫線部分）的表達，形式多樣化，凸顯了作者扎實的語言功底。

【例二】（2013·全國卷Ⅱ）假定你是李華，自制了一些中國結(jié)（Chinese knot）。給開網(wǎng)店的美國朋友Tom寫封信，請他代賣，要點包括：

1. 外觀（尺寸、顏色、材料）；

2. 象征意義；

3. 價格。

注意：1. 詞數(shù)100左右；

2. 可以適當增加細節(jié)，以使行文連貫；

3. 開頭語已為你寫好。

One Possible Version：

Dear Tom，

How are you doing? I wonder if you could sell some Chinese knots for me. I made them myself with red silk threads，cloth and other materials. They look really beautiful in the shape of a diamond，about 5 inches long and 4 inches wide. In China，these knots stand for friendship，love and good luck. People can either give them as gifts to friends or hang them in their houses. They are only 12.99 US dollars each. If anyone wants to know more about the knots，let them write to me. Also，do let me know if you need further information. Thank you!

Li Hua

Dear Tom，

How are you doing? I am writing to know if you could sell some Chinese knots for me. I made them myself with red silk threads，cloth and other materials. They look really beautiful in the shape of a diamond，about 5 inches long and 4 inches wide. These knots have special meanings in Chinese culture，such as friendship，love and good luck. People can either give them as gifts to friends or hang them in their houses. Each costs 12.99 US dollars. If anyone wants to know more about the knots，let them write to me. Also，do let me know if you need further information. Thank you!

Li Hua

【分析】參考范文中畫線的部分是“增加的細節(jié)”，屬于作者的適當發(fā)揮，順理成章，恰如其分，詳略得當，也是全文最大的亮點，從而避免了因漢語提示“瘦身”而可能造成的詞數(shù)短缺問題。而第二篇例文中的黑體部分用詞恰當、語句通順、行文流暢，增強了表達效果。

【例三】（2013·全國卷I）假定你是李華，請你給筆友Peter寫封信，告訴他你叔叔李明將去他所在城市開會，帶去他想要的那幅中國畫，同時詢問他是否可以接機。信中還需說明：

李明：高個子，戴眼鏡

航班號：CA985

到達：8月6日上午11：30

注意：1.詞數(shù)100左右；

2.可以適當增加細節(jié)，以使行文連貫；

3.開頭語和結(jié)束語已為你寫好。

One Possible Version：

Dear Peter，

How are you doing? I’m writing to tell you that my uncle Li Ming is going to your city for a conference，and I’ve asked him to bring you the Chinese painting you’ve asked for before.

Also，I’d like you to do me a favor. Would you please①meet my uncle at the airport and take him to his hotel since this is his first visit to the USA?②Thank you in advance!

His flight number is CA985，and it will arrive③at 11：30 am，August 6. My uncle is tall and he is wearing glasses. And he will be in a blue jacket④.

Looking forward to your reply.

Yours，

Li Hua

【分析】范文中黑體字部分的表述頗為精準，如：conference（正式會議）；bring（給你帶來）；do sb. a favor（請人幫忙）；meet sb. at the airport（接機）等。美中不足的是，若將文中的斜體字部分用下列結(jié)構(gòu)加以置換，則會使全文語言更得體，表述更豐富，且更具時代氣息。

①Is it convenient for you to（it作形式主語）

②as it is the first time that he has visited the USA（固定句式；動詞時態(tài)）

③which arrives（非限制性定語從句；動向動詞的一般現(xiàn)在時表將來）

④there carrying a big red suitcase（非謂語動詞；“接地氣”的時代特征）

【例四】（2015·全國卷I）假定你是李華，你校英文報“外國文化”欄目擬刊登介紹美國節(jié)日風俗和中學生生活的短文。請給美國朋友彼得寫信約稿，要點如下：

1. 欄目介紹；

2. 稿件內(nèi)容；

3. 稿件長度：約400詞；4. 交稿日期：6月28日前。

注意：1. 詞數(shù)100左右；

2. 可以適當增加細節(jié)，以使行文連貫；

3. 開頭語已為你寫好。

One Possible Version：

Dear Peter，

I’d like to ask you to write an article for our school’s English newspaper.

The“Foreign Cultures”section in our newspaper is very popular among us students. It carries articles written by foreign friends about the cultures of their home countries. Would you please write something about the culture in your part of the United States? And we would especially welcome articles about how Americans spend their holidays and festivals，and the life of American high school students. You can write anything relevant so long as it’s interesting and informative. 400 words would be fine. Could we have your article before June 28?

I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours，

Li Hua

【分析】范文覆蓋了所有的內(nèi)容要點，設(shè)置了詞匯語法亮點，突出了新穎別致的特點，是一篇不可多得的“三點式”作文。然而，通讀全文后仍覺得有不盡如人意之處。首先，因語句間缺少必要的連接成分（即過渡詞），使得句子干巴巴地堆砌在一起，缺乏起承轉(zhuǎn)合，過渡不自然，結(jié)構(gòu)欠緊湊。若使用恰當?shù)倪^渡詞（如for example，to be honest，therefore等）給文章潤色，則會使其行文連貫、語氣通順、層次清楚、渾然一體。其次，某些詞匯的運用略顯生僻（如relevant，informative等）。再次，對最后兩個寫作要點的交代過于吝惜筆墨，匆促了事。如果將畫線部分加以變通，用下面的文字取而代之，表達效果將會更加完美。（We would appreciate it if you could contribute anything related to the topic within 400 words. By the way，do keep in mind the deadline is June 28.）

綜上所述，高考英語書面表達的參考范文并非圣人之作、神來之筆，無懈可擊，但她畢竟屬于集體智慧的結(jié)晶，瑕不掩瑜。對閃光點點贊的同時，我們還要拿她“說事兒”——善意地挑一些“刺”。只有以包容的心態(tài)，辯證地看待這一問題，才能夠取其之長，補己之短，達到共同提高之目的。

（作者單位：甘肅省蘭州市第六中學）