文/唐老雅

雅思寫作題材解析及習(xí)作修改（七）
——家庭類

文/唐老雅1

一、雅思“家庭類”題材考情分析

“家庭類”題材在雅思考試中有一定的出現(xiàn)頻率，平均每年出現(xiàn)2－3次?？键c(diǎn)及分布如下：

1. 家庭分工，現(xiàn)在男女都是全職工作，男女需不需要平分家務(wù)。

2. 家庭教育，包括：（1）要不要送孩子去托兒所；（2）家長是否應(yīng)該學(xué)習(xí)育兒課程；（3）孩子犯錯時，應(yīng)該怎樣教育孩子。

3. 小家庭生活，包括：（1）人們趨于獨(dú)自生活或者小家庭生活的原因和影響；（2）城市里人們獨(dú)自生活或小家庭生活的趨勢是好是壞。

4. 家族歷史，越來越多的人希望找到自己家族歷史的原因以及這一趨勢是好是壞。

“家庭類”話題，有如下觀點(diǎn)可資借鑒：（1）男女平分家務(wù)有助于相互溝通，增進(jìn)感情；（2）不能為了工作而犧牲與家人共度的時間，陪伴家人是幸福的重要源泉；（3）大家庭（extended family）和小家庭（nuclear family）各有利弊。

二、雅思“家庭類”題材經(jīng)典考題

1. Nowadays, many people think that parents should take a parenting course to learn how to bring up their children well. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (2016/05/28)

2. In many countries women are allowed to take maternity leave from their jobs during the first months after the birth of their baby. Does advantages outweigh disadvantages? (2016/02/27)

3. Some working parents believe childcare centres can provide best care for children, others think other family members like grandparents can do. Discuss

1 唐偉勝，廣東外語外貿(mào)大學(xué)教授，博士，英美文學(xué)研究專家。both views and give your own opinion. (2015/03/14)

三、雅思“家庭類”題材習(xí)作修改

題目

When children do wrong, do you think they should be punished? How to punish them?

學(xué)生習(xí)作

The issue about punishment on children has always been discussed in these days. From my perspective, I strongly agree with the opinion that punishment can help children realise the difference between right and wrong, although some slight problems still exist.

The reason why punishment seems to be a must is that this is one of the most efficient method to teach the kids what is right. By criticizing the children who have done something by mistake, they are aware of the danger or wrong of their behaviours. As a result, children will be afraid of to do such a kind of things, which is of benefit to their future life.

Although the advantage of punishment is undoubtedly true, the opponents would argue that it might make the kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is that if a kid is beaten by their parents in front of his classmates, he will regard it as humiliation. When he is faced with his classmates, he might feel inactive and being separated from his friends, which may lead to long-term mental diseases including depression and anxiety.

According to the above words I have said, punishment is necessary while the methods must be chosen carefully. For example, kids’ mood must be taken good care of so that he can realise his false. Objective persuasion is recommended while the violent behaviours is banned. Since the aim is to help them grow but not to punish them.

To sum up, children are our future so we should pay more attention to our ways of punishment.

評分：5.5

唐老雅評改

本文的提問比較直接：孩子犯錯了，該不該懲罰，怎樣懲罰？相信多數(shù)人都會認(rèn)為應(yīng)該懲罰，因?yàn)檫@樣可以讓孩子辨明對錯，但是必須講究懲罰的方式，不能讓孩子失去自尊和信心。

習(xí)作基本按照題目要求完成了各項(xiàng)內(nèi)容。觀點(diǎn)也比較清楚，即對兒童的懲罰是必要的，但同時也有一定危險，因此，應(yīng)該注意懲罰的方法。詞匯有一定幅度，但不少地方使用不準(zhǔn)確。作者做出了使用復(fù)雜句的努力，雖然多數(shù)時候不完全正確。有些觀點(diǎn)展開不夠充分，沒有提供足夠證據(jù)，同時，語法錯誤較多，個別地方是大錯，影響了讀者的理解。

第1段

The issue about punishment on children has always been discussed in these days. From my perspective, I strongly agree with the opinion that punishment can help children realise the difference between right and wrong, although some slight problems still exist.

[老雅修改] The issue about punishment of children has always been discussed these days. From my perspective, I strongly agree that punishment can help children realise the difference between right and wrong, although kinds of punishment that parents and teachers are allowed to use ought to be more carefully considered.

[老雅評析]（1）“I strongly agree with the opinion that...”是累贅表達(dá)，可簡化為“I strongly agree that...”。（2）although some slight problems still exist的意義所指模糊，應(yīng)該明確指出到底是什么問題。第一段的最后一句話往往統(tǒng)領(lǐng)全文觀點(diǎn)，應(yīng)該盡可能將自己的觀點(diǎn)表達(dá)明確。根據(jù)下文，這里實(shí)際上是想表達(dá)“我同意應(yīng)該給孩子懲罰，但至于懲罰的方式，則應(yīng)該小心選擇”，因此修改文將此明確指出。

第2段

The reason why punishment seems to be a must is that this is one of the most efficient method to teach the kids what is right. By criticizing the children who have done something by mistake, they are aware of the danger or wrong of their behaviours. As a result, children will be afraid of to do such a kind of things, which is of benefit to their future life.

[老雅修改] The reason why punishment seems necessary is that it is probably the most efficient method to teach kids what is right and what is wrong. By criticizing and punishing children who have made mistakes, parents and teachers can makethem understand the dangers or inappropriateness of their behaviours and as a result, they will be afraid of repeating such mistakes, which is undoubtedly beneficial to their future life. Many children, for example, do not tell more lies after their parents or teachers have punished them for the first lie they told.

[老雅評析]（1）seems to be a must過于口語化，應(yīng)改為更正式的書面語。雅思寫作中不宜用過于口語的表達(dá)，甚至一些縮寫方式都要謹(jǐn)慎使用，比如don’t、doesn’t、can’t， 最好使用它們的完整形式，即do not、does not、cannot。（2）“By criticizing the children who have done something by mistake, they are aware of the danger or wrong of their behaviours.” 這句話是句法錯誤，邏輯上，criticize的主語應(yīng)該是parents and teachers，但在原文中，主語卻變成了they（孩子們）。也就是說，by后面那個動詞的邏輯主語，必須與主句的主語一致。比如：① By doing so, the government can solve the environmental issues. ② By working hard, he completed the task three days ahead of schedule. 另外，The children who have done something by mistake的意思是“因?yàn)榇中亩`做了什么事情的孩子”，實(shí)際上，這里想表達(dá)的卻是“犯錯的孩子”，應(yīng)該是the children who have made mistakes。（3）原文中的幾個意思聯(lián)系非常緊密，老雅將它們合并成了一句，使表達(dá)更為緊密。（4）在本段結(jié)尾，老雅增加了一句，本句作為例子，進(jìn)一步證明punishment的作用。（5）第一句中有個細(xì)節(jié)改動，老雅增加了一個詞probably，使原文的語氣顯得溫和，這是英文的習(xí)慣做法，比如：① There are mainly three reasons why this has happened. ② Environmental pollution is probably the most serious issue in the world today.

第3段

Although the advantage of punishment is undoubtedly true, the opponents would argue that it might make the kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is that if a kid is beaten by their parents in front of his classmates, he will regard it as humiliation. When he is faced with his classmates, he might feel inactive and being separated from his friends, which may lead to long-term mental diseases including depression and anxiety.

[老雅修改] Although the advantages of punishment are rather obvious, it might, as many people would argue, make kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is my cousin Andrew. Once he did not finish his homework and was beaten by his parents right there at the presence of his classmates. Very much humiliated, he went back to school, feeling inactive and separated from his friends. NowAndrew is still suffering from mental diseases including depression and anxiety.

[老雅評析] （1）advantage作主語，后面的形容詞表語不用true，應(yīng)該用obvious，即：the advantage ... is obvious。（2）舉例老雅使用了真名Andrew，原文那樣的舉例不夠具體，舉例最好用具體的人或名。

第4段和第5段

According to the above words I have said, punishment is necessary while the methods must be chosen carefully. For example, kids’ mood must be taken good care of so that he can realise his false. Objective persuasion is recommended while the violent behaviours is banned. Since the aim is to help them grow but not to punish them.

To sum up, children are our future so we should pay more attention to our ways of punishment.

[老雅修改] In light of the discussion above, punishing children for their wrong behaviors is necessary but the methods must be chosen carefully. Children should be made to realize their mistakes, but their self-esteem should be maintained. Since the aim of punishment is to help children mend their ways rather than to punish them, it is therefore desirable not to use physical punishment of any sort. Children are our future, so we must be careful in choosing the right kind of punishment even when we must punish them.

[老雅評析]（1）according to = in light of，在正式論文里使用in light of更合適。（2）這里是在總結(jié)前文，不是在舉例，所以for example不太合適。（3）he can realise his false表達(dá)不清楚，應(yīng)該是he can realise his mistakes；而且本句前后邏輯不清楚，即kids’ mood must be taken good care of so that he can realise his mistakes，必須照顧孩子的情緒，他才能意識到他的錯誤？這里邏輯似乎是：在讓孩子意識到自己錯誤的時候，也必須照顧到孩子的情緒（老雅將情緒替換成了自尊，好像更好）。（4）“Objective persuasion is recommended while the violent behaviours is banned.”本句表達(dá)意思不清楚?！敖ㄗh客觀的勸導(dǎo)，同時禁止暴力行為”？這是什么意思呢？是不是說，在教育孩子的時候，最好是勸導(dǎo)，而不用暴力？但這個觀點(diǎn)與全文觀點(diǎn)矛盾了，因?yàn)榍拔恼f必須要懲罰孩子，而這里卻說要用勸導(dǎo)的方法。因此，老雅將此處改為“因?yàn)閼土P的目的是為了幫助孩子改正錯誤，而不是要懲罰他們，所以建議不要使用任何形式的體罰”，這樣前后的邏輯更通順一些。 □

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