趙海萍+劉繼華

與2016年10月浙江省高考英語一樣，2017年6月浙江省高考英語科目寫作第二節(jié)仍然是讀后續(xù)寫，要求考生閱讀一篇短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)續(xù)寫，使短文與續(xù)寫部分合成一個(gè)完整的故事。

[ 題型分析]

本次讀后續(xù)寫題依然是將對(duì)考生的輸入（input）與輸出（output）能力的考查結(jié)合在一起。關(guān)于這兩者能力的考查和讀后續(xù)寫文體特征等，筆者曾于《作文新天地·高中》2017年第3期的《浙江省新高考英語讀后續(xù)寫試題分析及范例點(diǎn)評(píng)》一文中做過介紹，此處不再贅述。但是，雖然同屬記敘文，本次考試所給短文的故事線索與邏輯比2016年10月的那篇復(fù)雜（具體見本文“試題要點(diǎn)分析”和“答題建議”），對(duì)考生的輸入考查要求較高?？梢哉f，本次讀后續(xù)寫交際任務(wù)是否能很好完成，很大程度上取決于考生對(duì)所給短文閱讀理解任務(wù)完成的情況。從這一點(diǎn)來看，讀后續(xù)寫教學(xué)要見成效，閱讀教學(xué)上所花的功夫絕對(duì)不能少。

[ 題目要求]

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進(jìn)行續(xù)寫，使之構(gòu)成一個(gè)完整的故事。

On a bright， warm July afternoon， Mac Hollan， a primary school teacher， was cycling from his home to Alaska with his friends. One of his friends had stopped to make a bicycle repair， but they had encouraged Mac to carry on， and they would catch up with him soon. As Mac pedaled （騎行） along alone， he thought fondly of his wife and two young daughters at home. He hoped to show them this beautiful place someday.

Then Mac heard quick and loud breathing behind him. “Man， thats a big dog！” he thought. But when he looked to the side， he saw instantly that it wasnt a dog at all， but a wolf， quickly catching up with him.

Macs heart jumped. He found out his can of bear spray. With one hand on the bars， he fired the spray at the wolf. A bright red cloud enveloped the animal， and to Macs relief， it fell back， shaking its head. But a minute later， it was by his side again. Then it attacked the back of Macs bike， tearing open his tent bag. He fired at the wolf a second time， and again， it fell back only to quickly restart the chase （追趕）.

Mac was pedaling hard now. He waved and yelled at passing cars but was careful not to slow down. He saw a steep uphill climb before him. He knew that once he hit the hill， hed be easy caught up and the wolfs teeth would be tearing into his flesh.

At this moment， Paul and Becky were driving their car on their way to Alaska. They didnt think much of it when they saw two cyclists repairing their bike on the side of the road. A bit later， they spotted what they， too， assumed was a dog running alongside a man on a bike. As they got closer， they realized that the dog was a wolf. Mac heard a large vehicle behind him. He pulled in front of it as the wolf was catching up fast， just a dozen yards away now.

注意：

1.所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右；

2.應(yīng)使用5個(gè)以上短文中標(biāo)有下劃線的關(guān)鍵詞語；

3.續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好；

4.續(xù)寫完成后，請(qǐng)用下劃線標(biāo)出你所使用的關(guān)鍵詞語。

[ 試題要點(diǎn)分析]

[ 答題建議]

[ 習(xí)作點(diǎn)評(píng)]

[學(xué)生習(xí)作1]

The car abruptly stopped in front of him. “Man， come in quickly！” shouted Paul. Hearing the voice， Mac got off the bicycle and jumped into the car without hesitation. Before Mac could say a word， the car rushed at an incredibly high speed. Looking back through the window， he found the wolf gradually disappeared in the dark night. After arriving at a safe place， Mac explained what had just happened and thanked Paul and Becky. Then he made a call to inform his friends of his location.

A few minutes later， the other two cyclists arrived. When told about Macs frightening experience， the two were astonished with their mouths widely open， for they didnt meet any animal on their way. Worried about coming across the wolf again， Paul offered to drive them to Alaska wholeheartedly. With two bicycles placed in the back of the car， they set off in the bright sunrise. Staring at the breath-taking scenery along the way， Mac said to himself， “But I never want to show my family to this place！”

點(diǎn)評(píng)1

這篇習(xí)作描寫細(xì)致，文氣較為通暢，語言面貌總體相當(dāng)不錯(cuò)，較好地完成了交際任務(wù)。習(xí)作故事情節(jié)設(shè)計(jì)合理，與短文融洽度高，人物行為與場(chǎng)景描述細(xì)膩，同時(shí)穿插心理描繪，有動(dòng)有靜，有聲有色。習(xí)作語言富于變化，在描寫過程中恰當(dāng)?shù)厥褂昧瞬簧倬哂休^強(qiáng)表現(xiàn)力的細(xì)節(jié)描述性語言，如“Before Mac could say a word”“at an incredibly high speed”“their mouths widely open”等，使故事非常生動(dòng)。當(dāng)然，習(xí)作也存在一些問題。首先，習(xí)作使用了“in the dark night”與“in the bright sunrise”兩個(gè)表示時(shí)間的短語，是邏輯上的失誤。所給短文開始說的是“a bright， warm July afternoon”。從短文和續(xù)寫的描述看，自Mac與狼遭遇到擺脫狼的追逐，并沒有用太多的時(shí)間，因此在黑夜中看著狼離去的說法不成立。后來，開車到達(dá)安全場(chǎng)所，Mac講述了經(jīng)過，幾分鐘后，朋友到達(dá)，不久就是燦爛的日出，也不成立。這一時(shí)間邏輯的失誤可能是考生未能透徹理解原文所致。另外，Mac最后一句所說的“But”也存在邏輯斷層。語法上，“the wolf gradually disappeared”和“they didnt meet any animal”時(shí)態(tài)不當(dāng)，“the two were astonished with their mouths widely open”的語句結(jié)構(gòu)、“wholeheartedly”的位置等也還應(yīng)該更精細(xì)地推敲。詞匯方面，將表示驚嘆的“man”當(dāng)作對(duì)人的稱呼是一個(gè)錯(cuò)誤，詞組“without hesitation”不但多余，而且削弱了時(shí)間的短促感，也不妥當(dāng)。但總體而言，這些問題不影響意義傳達(dá)。本篇習(xí)作詞匯與語法結(jié)構(gòu)較為豐富、準(zhǔn)確，語句間連接成分非常有效，標(biāo)點(diǎn)非常準(zhǔn)確。習(xí)作產(chǎn)出158詞（不含開頭語），使用了6個(gè)關(guān)鍵詞語。根據(jù)本次考試浙江省考生的總體情況，如不考慮“in the dark night”與“in the bright sunrise”誤用所導(dǎo)致的邏輯缺陷，單從語言能力來看，本篇習(xí)作可判為第五檔。

[學(xué)生習(xí)作2]

The car abruptly stopped in front of him. At that moment， Mac jumped to the top of the car. Fortunately， he succeeded. Then， realizing what is happening， Paul drove the car away quickly. After a few minutes， the car stopped again. Mac jumped down and thanked Paul and Becky. “It seemed that you had an exciting experience！” Paul said， laughing. “Oh， yes！ It was really exciting and I would be caught by the wolf without your help.” Mac replied， “I must wait for my friends！ Thank you again.”

A few minutes later， the other two cyclists arrived. Noticing that Mac was standing alone without his bicycle， they asked Mac what had happened. Mac told them the wolf， the help of Paul and Beckys. “Wow， it was amazing！” They shouted. “But you will never know what I felt at that time. My heart jumped widely.” Mac said. “Dont worry， I think it must be an unforgettable pedaling experience for you. You should value it.” One of Macs friends tried to comfort him. “But now， how can I go home without my bicycle？”

點(diǎn)評(píng)2

這篇習(xí)作與短文融洽度較高，與段落開頭語銜接緊密。邏輯上，除開頭的“jumped to the top of the car”和最后的“without my bicycle”外，總體沒有什么問題。應(yīng)該說，這篇習(xí)作還是比較順利地完成了交際任務(wù)的。語言面貌上，與上一篇習(xí)作相比，本篇問題稍多一些。一是語法錯(cuò)誤，如“realizing what is happening”“you had an exciting experience”“I would be caught by the wolf”“it must be an unforgettable pedaling experience”中時(shí)與體的誤用，“told them the wolf”中介詞的缺失，“Mac told them the wolf”與“the help of Paul and Beckys”之間連接詞的缺失等?！皐hat I felt at that time”中的“what”（關(guān)系代詞）與“how”（關(guān)系副詞）的混淆也屬語法問題。二是詞匯意義不清，主要體現(xiàn)在“amazing”一詞上。三是拼寫（“widely”）、標(biāo)點(diǎn)和大小寫等問題（“without your help”，“My heart jumped widely”和“You should value it”后應(yīng)為逗號(hào)，“Mac replied”和“Dont worry”后均應(yīng)用句號(hào)，“They shouted”中的“They”和“One of Macs friends tried to comfort him”中的“One”首字母均應(yīng)小寫）。四是語言邏輯問題，如“Fortunately， he succeeded”一句其實(shí)是多余的，因?yàn)樯弦痪涞摹癕ac jumped to the top of the car”其實(shí)就是“he succeeded”。這種多余的表述雖然不影響意義，但阻礙了文氣，教學(xué)中應(yīng)該多加注意。本篇習(xí)作產(chǎn)出164詞（不含開頭語），使用了7個(gè)關(guān)鍵詞語?？傮w而言，習(xí)作對(duì)語法結(jié)構(gòu)以及詞匯的豐富性和準(zhǔn)確性有較好的注意，所出現(xiàn)的問題對(duì)意義的表達(dá)影響不大，總體文氣較為流暢，可判為第四檔。

[學(xué)生習(xí)作3]

The car abruptly stopped in front of him. Paul shouted to Mac. “Come on！” Without hesitation， Mac jumped into the car leaving his bicycle. The wolf looked angry. The wolf hit his bicycle without mercy. Wandering for a while， the wolf left. After a long time to calm down， Mac began to said in a weak voice， “I just thought I would never see my wife and my lovely daughters again. It is your kindness that saved my life！”

A few minutes later， the other two cyclists arrived. They were shocked at what they have seen， a broken bicycle and Mac was worn-out. They asked， “Hey brother！ Whats wrong with you？” Mac explained what happened to him and introduced his new friends to them. Mac said， “Without their help， I wont survive. And what happened to me revealed that we should give other a hand when they are in need.” What a dangerous pedaling！

點(diǎn)評(píng)3

這篇習(xí)作與所給短文融洽度高，與所提供的開頭語銜接非常緊密，故事設(shè)計(jì)符合邏輯，描寫生動(dòng)，如狼攻擊Mac時(shí)的樣子、Mac的朋友詢問時(shí)的語氣等都給人如在眼前之感。但在語言使用上，本篇習(xí)作問題稍多。語法方面，有時(shí)態(tài)錯(cuò)誤（如“They were shocked at what they have seen”“Mac explained what happened to him”“I wont survive”等）、非謂語動(dòng)詞錯(cuò)誤（如“Wandering for a while”“to calm down”“began to said”）、數(shù)的錯(cuò)誤（“give other a hand”）、標(biāo)點(diǎn)錯(cuò)誤（“Paul shouted to Mac”后應(yīng)為逗號(hào)）等，也有句式結(jié)構(gòu)不平衡的問題（“a broken bicycle and Mac was worn-out”）和銜接不合理的問題（如“The wolf hit his bicycle”中的“The wolf”與前一句主語重復(fù)）。詞匯方面，有些詞匯由于意義理解不準(zhǔn)確而誤用，如將“l(fā)eaving his bicycle behind”與“l(fā)eaving his bicycle”混淆；有的則是對(duì)語境要求不清楚而誤用，如“Come on”。此外還有一些粗心所致的小錯(cuò)誤，如關(guān)鍵詞畫線時(shí)將標(biāo)點(diǎn)符號(hào)也一起畫了進(jìn)去（“Mac.”和“pedaling！”）。幸而以上這些錯(cuò)誤對(duì)意義的傳達(dá)并不產(chǎn)生大的影響，不至于過分損及交際任務(wù)的完成。本篇習(xí)作共產(chǎn)出139詞（不含開頭語），使用了8個(gè)關(guān)鍵詞語，寫出了較多內(nèi)容，行為描寫與對(duì)話穿插，語句結(jié)構(gòu)與詞匯富于變化，連接手段有效，文氣較為連貫，意義傳達(dá)效果良好，較好地滿足了任務(wù)的要求，是一篇合格的作文，可判為第三檔的高分。

[學(xué)生習(xí)作4]

The car abruptly stopped in front of him. Mac ask them for help， he said the wolf chased him long time. He was very tired. At that moment， the wolf arrived. It was very big. Paul and Becky climbed the car to found something to make it go back. They found two chair and a wood. So they slowly caught the wolf and then use the wood to make it died. They were very tired and afraid. But finally the won the “war” They felt they were lucky dogs， They all didnt die.

A few minutes later， the other two cyclists arrived. Mac told his friends what happened a few minutes ago. They were very surprised and asked Mac he was ok？ Mac told them he is ok and extended his gratitude to Paul and Becky. Because they helped him， he was live. And they went back home. Mac decided to ask his parents and wife what happened. He thought it was surprised. It was a amuseing experence. It was personal and someone nerer met or experenced. He was very lucky.

點(diǎn)評(píng)4

這篇習(xí)作內(nèi)容上與所給短文關(guān)系密切，與所提供各段落開頭語也有很好的銜接，寫出了較多內(nèi)容，文氣基本連貫，但邏輯上和語言上都存在較多錯(cuò)誤。邏輯上，續(xù)寫的最后提到Mac決定問父母親和妻子發(fā)生了什么事情，并覺得所發(fā)生的事情驚人，與故事內(nèi)容相左。語言方面，語法錯(cuò)誤較多，有時(shí)態(tài)錯(cuò)誤（如“Mac ask them for help”“Mac told his friends what happened”“Mac told them he is ok”等）、句式結(jié)構(gòu)錯(cuò)誤（如“asked Mac he was ok”）、動(dòng)詞形式錯(cuò)誤（如“to found something”“to make it died”等）、標(biāo)點(diǎn)斷句錯(cuò)誤（如標(biāo)點(diǎn)缺失、逗號(hào)誤作句號(hào)）等。本篇習(xí)作的詞匯錯(cuò)誤也非常突出，計(jì)有詞性與數(shù)的錯(cuò)誤（如“two chair and a wood”）、副詞錯(cuò)誤（如“a few minutes ago”）、形容詞錯(cuò)誤（如“it was surprised”）、冠詞錯(cuò)誤（“a amuseing experence”）、拼寫錯(cuò)誤（如“the won the ‘war”“amuseing”“experence”“nerer”）等。此外，習(xí)作還存在詞匯不夠用而采取“繞彎子”導(dǎo)致意義表達(dá)不明確（如“found something to make it go back”和“use the wood to make it died”）的情況。比較嚴(yán)重的問題，是由于詞義不清而致意義傳達(dá)受到影響，如“It was personal and someone nerer met or experenced”就無法讓人理解。幸而這些情況出現(xiàn)并不多，總體上看，本篇習(xí)作產(chǎn)出164詞（不含開頭語），使用了6個(gè)關(guān)鍵詞語（畫線5個(gè)），全文內(nèi)容基本連貫，意義傳達(dá)雖然受到一點(diǎn)影響，但基本完成了交際任務(wù)，可判為第三檔中段。

[學(xué)生習(xí)作5]

The car abruptly stopped in front of him. But there was stil a long distance. Mac realized so long as he Predales to the car， he would be saved. Unfortunately， he couldnt even breath with running out of the energy. The wolf was going to catch him. Paul shouted in order to remind him， but he couldnt recognized what he said. when his heart couldnt jamped， his mind turned up his home with his wife and daughter. Instantly， he stuck to pedaled. The car was near and near， and the wolf was also near and near. He found the car is in the face， and gave up his bicycle， ran to the car. He made it！ He escaped from the wolf.

A few minutes later， the other two cyclists arrived. They astonished what happened on their friend， and nothing could express their apology for leaving Mac alone. He was tired but still gave a smile to them， which let they knew he had forgiven them. It also let Mac knew life was So lucky that he Should take use of every seconds.

點(diǎn)評(píng)5

與上一篇習(xí)作相似，這篇習(xí)作與所給短文融洽度也較高，與所提供各段落開頭語也有很好的銜接，寫出了較多內(nèi)容，文氣基本連貫。語言上，上一篇習(xí)作中存在的問題這一篇中基本都存在，如時(shí)、體、態(tài)方面的錯(cuò)誤，非謂語動(dòng)詞形式的錯(cuò)誤、介詞的錯(cuò)誤、名詞數(shù)的錯(cuò)誤、代詞格的錯(cuò)誤（“l(fā)et they knew”）等等，大小寫錯(cuò)誤（如“Predales”，“when his heart couldnt jamped”，“l(fā)ife was So lucky that he Should take use”）與拼寫錯(cuò)誤則明顯多于上一篇。更為嚴(yán)重的是，指代混亂（如第一段中的“he”與“him”究竟是指Paul還是Mac不清楚）、選詞不當(dāng)（如“he couldnt even breath with running out of the energy”“his mind turned up his home”“the car is in the face”）、詞語搭配不當(dāng)（如“he stuck to pedaled”）等問題導(dǎo)致意義的傳達(dá)受到較為嚴(yán)重的影響。本篇習(xí)作共產(chǎn)出165詞（不含開頭語），使用了6個(gè)關(guān)鍵詞語，多數(shù)情況下意義傳達(dá)基本順利，語言上，詞匯較為豐富，對(duì)于較復(fù)雜的結(jié)構(gòu)也有較好的嘗試，長(zhǎng)短相較，可判為第二檔。

[學(xué)生習(xí)作6]

The car abruptly stopped in front of him. Macs heart jumped. He know If he stop he will be wolfs teeth to tear into his flesh. So he was loud told until a people under the car. He finded he is a policeman. He pedaled to that man for help. That man saw a wolf was chase this man. So he shake it. The man was living. He could go home with his family. He thanks that man for help.

A few minutes later， the other two cyclists arrived. They saw the wolf was died. They very happy. Paul thanks Mac and another. Then they brought this wolf to the zoo.

點(diǎn)評(píng)6

應(yīng)該說，這篇習(xí)作與所給短文關(guān)系密切，與所提供各段落開頭語也有很好的銜接，但總體面貌簡(jiǎn)陋，考生共產(chǎn)出94詞（不含開頭語），而且語句過于簡(jiǎn)單，語法與詞匯錯(cuò)誤很多，尤其嚴(yán)重的是，邏輯上出現(xiàn)了很大的漏洞，如Mac發(fā)現(xiàn)Paul的車底有一名警察、Paul感謝Mac等。有許多地方由于語言錯(cuò)誤導(dǎo)致意義無法理解，如“he was loud told until a people under the car”“he shake it”“The man was living”等。另外，敘述上還有自相矛盾的地方，如先寫了“They saw the wolf was died”，后又說“they brought this wolf to the zoo”，讓人摸不著頭腦，表明考生邏輯思考不夠縝密?？傮w來看，本篇習(xí)作雖然與所提供短文和開頭語有較好的銜接，關(guān)鍵詞語的使用（5個(gè)）也符合要求，語句間也有一定的連接成分，但產(chǎn)出內(nèi)容太少，語法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯項(xiàng)目都很有限，語言面貌不佳，全文內(nèi)容也不夠連貫，交際任務(wù)完成情況差，可判為第一檔。

[ 結(jié)語]

結(jié)合浙江省高考英語學(xué)科評(píng)卷有關(guān)評(píng)分原則及各檔次的給分范圍和要求，我們對(duì)一些考生習(xí)作做了點(diǎn)評(píng)分析?？傮w來看，與2016年10月浙江省新高考首考相比，2017年6月高考英語讀后續(xù)寫考生答題情況有較大的進(jìn)步，主要表現(xiàn)在續(xù)寫內(nèi)容與所給短文融洽度以及與所提供各段落開頭語銜接的合理程度均有較大提高，情節(jié)的設(shè)計(jì)更為合理，內(nèi)容的連貫性有所加強(qiáng)，關(guān)鍵詞的使用更為自然完善。語言上，語法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯的豐富性和準(zhǔn)確性均有較大提高，語言錯(cuò)誤和盲目追求所謂“高大上”的情況呈現(xiàn)逐漸減少的趨勢(shì)，細(xì)節(jié)描繪和語言生動(dòng)性得到了足夠的重視。這些都體現(xiàn)了浙江省半年多來高中英語寫作教學(xué)的進(jìn)步。今后如能更多加強(qiáng)輸入的訓(xùn)練，在原文理解和邏輯組織上多下功夫，相信浙江省高中英語寫作教學(xué)一定能取得更加顯著的成效。