劉嫦云

讀后續(xù)寫評(píng)分要求“所使用語法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯豐富、準(zhǔn)確”?？梢?，同學(xué)們?cè)谧x后續(xù)寫中想拿高分，需要掌握各種微技能。下面筆者以2020年1月浙江卷為例，主要圍繞最核心的語言質(zhì)量層面展開講述微技能的運(yùn)用。

真題再現(xiàn)

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進(jìn)行續(xù)寫，使之構(gòu)成一個(gè)完整的故事。

“Im going to miss you so much， Poppy，”said the tall， thin teenager. He bent down to hug his old friend goodbye. He stood up， hugged his parents， and smiled， trying not to let his emotions（情緒）get the better of him.

His parents were not quite able to keep theirs under control. They had driven their son several hours out of town to the university where he would soon be living and studying. It was time to say goodbye for now at least. The family hugged and smiled through misty eyes and then laughed.

The boy lifted the last bag onto his shoulder， and flashed a bright smile.“I guess this is it，”he said.“Ill see you back home in a month， okay？”His parents nodded， and they watched？as he walked out of sight into the crowds of hundreds of students and parents. The boys mother turned to the dog，“Okay， Poppy， time to go back home.”

The house seemed quiet as a tomb without the boy living there. All that week， Poppy didnt seem interested in her dinner， her favorite toy， or even in her daily walk. Her owners were sad too， but they knew their son would be back to visit. Poppy didnt.

They offered the dog some of her favorite peanut butter treats. They even let her sit on the sofa， but the old girl just wasnt her usual cheerful self. Her owners started to get worried.“What should we do to cheer Poppy up？”asked Dad.“Weve tried everything.”

“I have an idea， but it might be a little crazy，”smiled Mom. “Without anybody left in the house but us， this place could use a bit of fun. Lets get a little dog for Poppy.

It didnt take long before they walked through the front door carrying a big box. Poppy welcomed them home as usual but when she saw the box， she stopped. She put her nose on it. Her tail began wagging（擺動(dòng)）ever so slowly， then faster as she caught the smell.

注意：

1. 所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右;

2. 續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好。

Para 1. Dad opened the box and a sweet little dog appeared.

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Para 2. A few weeks later， the boy arrived home from university. _________________________________________________

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下面是學(xué)生周練的一篇習(xí)作：

Dad opened the box and a sweet little dog appeared. Poppy was happy at the sight of the little dog. She watched the new member. Then she became so excited that she accidentally knocked over the box in an attempt to get closer. Immediately， the little one came out， who was not shy and instantly got familiar with Poppy. Then the two played around the house and cheerfully ran after each other. When they watched Poppy getting rid of the gloomy state， the boys parents smiled relievedly and put down their hanging hearts.

A few weeks later， the boy arrived home from the university. He was amazed to discover that there were two dogs not one greeting him. The old dog licked him while the little dog looked at him with curiosity.“Who is he？”he wondered. After they sensed his confusion， the parents explained what had happened to poor Poppy and how they figured out such a splendid solution. So pleasedly， the boy hugged his parents tightly.

這篇續(xù)寫與所給短文的融合度較高，與所提供各段落開頭語銜接較為合理，內(nèi)容比較豐富，但所使用語法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯的豐富性上需要打磨。語言上，如何生動(dòng)形象地對(duì)小狗的動(dòng)作進(jìn)行描寫是我們需要提高的地方。下面介紹三種微技能來豐富句法結(jié)構(gòu)和使表達(dá)更高級(jí)。

一、描述性高級(jí)詞匯積累

讀后續(xù)寫不同于書信寫作等應(yīng)用文使用概括性詞匯較多。讀后續(xù)寫記敘文題材中需要我們進(jìn)行具體的細(xì)節(jié)描寫，要求我們形象生動(dòng)地描寫動(dòng)作和心情等，盡量多用描述性語言。基于表達(dá)多樣性和生動(dòng)性的需要，如“高興”我們可積累下列高級(jí)詞匯：indescribably wild joy， a mixture of excitement and happiness， be overwhelmed with等等，這比普通的happy更具有高分特質(zhì)。

對(duì)小狗的動(dòng)作描寫我們可積累以下詞匯：

我們運(yùn)用高級(jí)詞匯對(duì)原作品進(jìn)行句式升級(jí)：

1. 原文表達(dá)：Poppy was happy at the sight of the little dog.

升級(jí)表達(dá)：Poppy jumped with joy at the sight of the little？dog.

2. 原文表達(dá)：She watched the new member.

升級(jí)表達(dá)：She lowered her head to watch the new member.

3. 原文表達(dá)：The old dog licked him while the little dog looked at him with curiosity.

升級(jí)表達(dá)：The old dog jumped to its feet and licked him while the little dog looked at him with curiosity.

4. 原文表達(dá)：So pleasedly， the boy hugged his parents tightly.

升級(jí)表達(dá)：With a giant smile blooming on his face， the boy hugged his parents tightly.

升級(jí)后的句子通過使用或添加動(dòng)作和心情等描述性詞匯，豐富了續(xù)寫的內(nèi)容，增強(qiáng)了敘述的畫面感。

二、分詞的使用

現(xiàn)在分詞和過去分詞短語常用作狀語，替換狀語從句和并列的動(dòng)詞，使句子結(jié)構(gòu)更加緊湊，句式更加豐富。

請(qǐng)賞析下列高考真題讀后續(xù)寫中的分詞短語：

我騎著馬飛跑過來，突然，一只兔子跳了出來，嚇了馬一跳。（2018年浙江）

I was galloping on horseback when a rabbit bounced out， giving the horse a start.

因?yàn)楸灰恢焕亲汾s，他加速奔跑。（2017年浙江）

Chased by a wolf， he sped up.

上面兩句中的兩個(gè)分詞短語分別充當(dāng)結(jié)果狀語和原因狀語，豐富了句式結(jié)構(gòu)。把我們平時(shí)寫的基礎(chǔ)表達(dá)改寫為分詞短語適用于以下兩種情形：

（1）含有狀語從句的句子進(jìn)行改寫。如：

When he saw a car stop， he jumped off his bicycle immediately.

改寫：Seeing a car stop， he jumped off his bicycle immediately.

Because I was woken by dreams every day， I had come to love my life in America.

改寫：Woken by dreams every day， I had come to love my life in America.

（2）含有and連接的并列句或者并列動(dòng)詞進(jìn)行改寫。如：

The dog gave him a seemingly knowing look and scratched the box.

改寫：The dog gave him a seemingly knowing look， scratching the box.

Parents smiled and watched each other.

改寫：Parents smiled， watching each other.

我們嘗試使用分詞短語對(duì)原習(xí)作進(jìn)行改寫：

（1）Then the two played around the house and cheerfully ran after each other.

升級(jí)：Then the two played around the house， cheerfully running after each other.

（2）When they watched Poppy getting rid of the gloomy state， the boys parents smiled relievedly and put down their hanging hearts.

升級(jí)：Watching Poppy getting rid of the gloomy state， the boys parents smiled relievedly， putting down their hanging hearts.

（3）After they sensed his confusion， the parents explained what had happened to poor Poppy and how they figured out such a splendid solution.

升級(jí)：Sensing his confusion， the parents explained what had happened to poor Poppy and how they figured out such a splendid solution.

三、強(qiáng)調(diào)結(jié)構(gòu)

It is +被強(qiáng)調(diào)成分+that/who+其他

使用強(qiáng)調(diào)句型強(qiáng)調(diào)句子的某一成分，既能增加讀后續(xù)寫句式的多樣性和復(fù)雜性，又能提高表達(dá)效果，會(huì)給閱卷老師眼前一亮的感覺。

請(qǐng)同學(xué)們根據(jù)句子的基礎(chǔ)表達(dá)，用自己的語言表達(dá)一遍，然后對(duì)比并學(xué)習(xí)所提供的升級(jí)表達(dá)。

1. 基礎(chǔ)表達(dá)：What determines us is not our abilities， but our choices.

高級(jí)表達(dá)：It is our choices that determine us， far more than our abilities.

2. 基礎(chǔ)表達(dá)：She inspired people with disabilities.

高級(jí)表達(dá)：It was she that/who inspired the disabed.

原學(xué)生作品中He was amazed to discover that there were two dogs not one greeting him. 可升級(jí)為：He was amazed to discover that it was two dogs that were greeting him.

以下是句式升級(jí)后的作品：

Dad opened the box and a sweet little dog appeared. Poppy jumped with joy at the sight of the little dog. She lowered her head to watch the new member. Then she became so excited that she accidentally knocked over the box in an attempt to get closer. Immediately， the little one came out， who was not shy and instantly got familiar with Poppy. Then the two played around the house， cheerfully running after each other. Watching Poppy getting rid of the gloomy state， the boys parents smiled relievedly， putting down their hanging hearts.

A few weeks later， the boy arrived home from the university. He was amazed to discover that it was two dogs that were greeting him. The old dog jumped to its feet and licked him while the little dog looked at him with curiosity.“Who is he？”he wondered. Sensing his confusion， the parents explained what had happened to poor Poppy and how they figured out such a splendid solution. With a giant smile blooming on his face， the boy hugged his parents tightly.

比較分析潤(rùn)色后的讀后續(xù)寫版本，運(yùn)用了高級(jí)詞匯、分詞結(jié)構(gòu)和強(qiáng)調(diào)句型后，達(dá)到了讀后續(xù)寫語法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯豐富、準(zhǔn)確的效果，短文結(jié)構(gòu)也更緊湊了。

當(dāng)然讀后續(xù)寫要求考生在有限的時(shí)間內(nèi)既需讀懂所給原文并有效地提取文本信息，又需創(chuàng)造合乎邏輯的內(nèi)容，這并非易事。在寫作實(shí)踐中，我們要始終持有強(qiáng)烈的運(yùn)用高級(jí)詞匯和高級(jí)句式的意識(shí)，積累各種高分特質(zhì)的詞匯和表達(dá)，熟記于心，多加模仿，多加運(yùn)用，相信我們的文章定能脫穎而出。

責(zé)任編輯 蔣小青