阿夫尼·多希 劉海鷗

One of the first questions readers ask me about my novel， Burnt Sugar， is whether I drew from my own experience to write it. This sometimes troubles me， primarily because I find that writing by women is expected （or required） to draw from a personal story in order to possess authority.

The fact is， I became a mother after I wrote about my main characters pregnancy and struggle with postpartum depression. Writing this novel was a journey into an imaginal space， pushing past the realm of experience to create a container for my fantasies， my nightmares， and my neuroses. It was， in a sense， going beyond what I knew. This required me to expand my capacity for empathy， to imagine my way into a body I did not yet have， a body in flux which was， at the time， fascinating and terrifying to me.

I continue to be fascinated by writing and thinking around motherhood. Here are some of my favorite books on the subject：

Toni Morrison， Beloved

I read this novel as a student and it terrified me and broke my heart. The central question it left in my mind still haunts me： would you choose bondage or death for your child？

Sheila Heti， Motherhood

The best part of Hetis writing is that she comes from a place of complete curi-osity， where nothing is taken for granted and all assumptions are up for questioning. Using a coin toss process that she likens to1 the i-ching， she leaves the answers to her many existential questions about motherhood up to chance—though the experience for the reader is often mystical， revelatory2， and at times very funny.

Jhumpa Lahiri， The Lowlands

I read this book when I was a few drafts into the novel， and besides Lahiris exquisite descriptions of setting， I was struck3 by her depiction of motherhood—withdrawn and ambivalent. Gauri is an intellectual， an activist， but motherhood is role that she wears uneasily.

Deborah Levy， The Cost of Living

Most people assume that Hot Milk was influential for me when I wrote Burnt Sugar， but in fact， I have been more interested in Levys nonfiction. The Cost of Living is about the dissolution4 of Levys marriage， about her working life， but I also saw in it a portrait of motherhood， particularly Levy as a mother to growing daughters. She struggles with how to do everything， to fulfill her roles as writer and nurturer. She also points to the impossibility of finding balance： “If our mother does the things she needs to do in the world， we feel she has abandoned us. It is a miracle she survives our mixed messages， written in societys most poisoned ink. It is enough to drive her mad.”

Rachel Cusk， A Lifes Work

Cusks writing is crisp and keenly intelligent. A Lifes Work goes into the depths of post-partum depression， questioning what indeed， if anything， is natural about motherhood， and there is something sublime5 in watching Cusk map this terror so carefully.

Brit Bennett， The Mothers

This book has transformed the way I think about writing on motherhood. The novel considers motherhood as an absence， as grief， as an unwanted pregnancy. In Bennetts hands， motherhood is layered and complex， embedded in questions of race and community.

Madhuri Vijay， The Far Field

Madhuri Vijay considers how the figure of the mother can loom larger6 in death than in life. A beautiful， haunting book.

Elena Ferrante， The Lost Daughter

In The Lost Daughter， Ferrante uncovers a kind of maternal ambivalence that makes us shudder， mostly because it is so clearly and quietly embedded in the normal， in the decidedly banal. There is no archetypal wickedness to be found in the honesty of her narrator， though she is， as she admits， “not a natural mother.”

Maggie Nelson， The Argonauts

Nelsons book is pitch perfect， the kind of book I would love to write one day. She brings together the intimacy of her own story with myth and theory in a way that is completely convincing and utterly compelling. If the text seems to fragment， its because the pregnant person also does. This book made me rethink what pregnancy is， reframing it as a queering of the body.

關(guān)于我的小說《焦糖》，最初收到的讀者問題之一是，這部小說是否取材于我自身的經(jīng)歷。這個(gè)問題時(shí)不時(shí)困擾著我。主要是因?yàn)槲野l(fā)現(xiàn)，人們期待甚或要求女性作家的作品取材于個(gè)人經(jīng)歷，認(rèn)為這樣才能讓人信服。

在《焦糖》一書中，我描述了主人公懷孕產(chǎn)子，并與產(chǎn)后抑郁艱難抗?fàn)幍慕?jīng)歷。而事實(shí)上，我是在完成這部作品之后才成為一位母親的。這部小說的創(chuàng)作之旅把我?guī)胂胂笸鯂?，使我突破?jīng)驗(yàn)的界限，為我的幻想、夢魘和神經(jīng)質(zhì)尋到了一個(gè)容身之所。在某種意義上，這意味著超越了我自身的認(rèn)知。我必須增強(qiáng)自身的共情能力，在想象中進(jìn)入不屬于我的某個(gè)身體，并歷經(jīng)一系列身體變化。在那時(shí)，這些變化令我既著迷又恐懼。

我持續(xù)沉迷于對“母性”的思考和寫作。關(guān)于這一主題，我最喜愛的部分書籍如下：

托妮·莫里森的《寵兒》

我在學(xué)生時(shí)代讀到這本小說，讀時(shí)驚恐不已，唏噓傷心。當(dāng)年留在我腦海里的核心問題至今仍困擾著我：如果只能二者擇一，你會選擇讓你的孩子遭受奴役之苦，還是選擇扼殺親生子女的性命？

希拉·赫蒂的《母性》

赫蒂最令人稱道之處就是她是那種對各種事物都好奇滿滿的人。在那里，沒有什么是理所當(dāng)然的，所有假設(shè)都有待質(zhì)疑。她把擲硬幣當(dāng)作周易占卜，以此將自己諸多關(guān)乎人類存亡的母性問題交由命運(yùn)作答——不過，讀者在閱讀時(shí)常常會感到神秘莫測，會獲得某種啟示，有時(shí)還會覺得十分有趣。

裘帕·拉希里的《低地》

當(dāng)我讀到這部小說時(shí)，我已寫完《焦糖》的最初幾稿。除開拉希里對小說場景細(xì)致入微的刻畫，我深切感受到她對母親角色的描述——孤獨(dú)離群又矛盾撕裂。書中主人公高里不僅是一名知識分子，還是社會活動家，卻仍然在母親身份的桎梏下不堪重負(fù)。

德博拉·利維的《生活的代價(jià)》

大多數(shù)人認(rèn)為，我創(chuàng)作《焦糖》時(shí)深受《熱牛奶》這部小說的影響。然而，事實(shí)上，我對利維的非虛構(gòu)作品更感興趣?！渡畹拇鷥r(jià)》講述了利維婚姻的解體以及她的職場生活。而我卻在字里行間讀懂了她筆下的母親，尤其理解利維面對日漸長大的女兒們所承擔(dān)的母親職責(zé)。她竭力平衡生活的方方面面，履行她作為作家和撫養(yǎng)者的雙重角色。利維同時(shí)指出，兩者之間的平衡很難實(shí)現(xiàn)：“如果我們的母親去做她在世上必須完成的其他事情，我們便會感到她拋棄了我們。母親能扛住人們褒貶不一的評論是個(gè)奇跡，那些評論是用世俗最毒的墨水寫就的。這種毒墨水足以使她發(fā)瘋?！?/p>

蕾切爾·卡斯克的《一生的工作》

卡斯克的文字簡潔明快、睿智犀利?！兑簧墓ぷ鳌芬粫钊胩接懥水a(chǎn)后抑郁，質(zhì)疑到底什么才是天生的母性。卡斯克入木三分地描述了產(chǎn)后抑郁這一恐怖經(jīng)歷，令人叫絕。

布里特·貝內(nèi)特的《母親》

這部書改變了我撰寫母性主題作品的創(chuàng)作思路。在這部小說里，母性是缺位，是痛苦，是不受期待的懷孕。貝內(nèi)特筆下的母性層次豐富、復(fù)雜難解，根植于種族和群體問題之中。

瑪杜麗·維賈伊的《遠(yuǎn)方的土地》

瑪杜麗·維賈伊闡釋了母親的形象如何在死后比在世時(shí)更可怖。一部引人入勝又讓人膽戰(zhàn)心驚的小說。

埃琳娜·費(fèi)蘭特的《失蹤的孩子》

在《失蹤的孩子》一書中，費(fèi)蘭特將母性的矛盾擺上了臺面，觸發(fā)了大眾的不安。主要是由于這個(gè)問題如此明顯卻又不聲不響地深藏在社會規(guī)約和各種顯而易見的陳規(guī)舊俗中。盡管本書主人公親口承認(rèn)“自己不是一個(gè)天生的母親”，她的誠實(shí)也并不意味著她就是壞母親的原型。

瑪吉·納爾遜的《阿爾戈英雄》

納爾遜的作品臻至完美，我期待著未來某天我也能寫出這樣的作品。她將個(gè)人的溫馨故事與神話傳說、學(xué)術(shù)理論完美交織在一起，讓人十分信服，而且很想一口氣讀完。小說文字看似支離破碎，實(shí)則是再現(xiàn)懷孕婦女的窘境。這部小說認(rèn)為懷孕會對女性身體造成損害，促使我重新思考懷孕這件事。

（譯者為“《英語世界》杯”翻譯大賽獲獎(jiǎng)?wù)?單位：成都大學(xué)）

1 liken sb/sth to sb/sth認(rèn)為……與……相像。? 2 revelatory啟發(fā)性的。? 3 strike讓……覺得。