◎王璐 浙江省富陽(yáng)中學(xué)

習(xí)作點(diǎn)評(píng)

學(xué)生習(xí)作1

Suddenly a little rabbit jumped out in front of my horse.Never had I seen such a lovely creature in my life so I followed its track without thinking twice.But the cute rabbit，which aroused my interest，was quickly out of sight.In the process of seeking for it，I was totally immersed in the charm of nature.The luxuriant forests，the tiny flowers that perfumed the air，the groups of sheep in the far distance and the singing river all made me feel my soul purified.Both dad and I had forgotten the time and it seemed difficult for us to go back...

We had no idea where we were and it was getting dark.The lovely plants around us turned into a horrible appearance.The dead silence between dad and me made me more nervous and scared.Finally we decided to wait.At that moment，it was completely dark except the faint light given out of a few stars in the sky.All of a sudden，I saw torchlight moving and heard the voice of Uncle Paul.Instinctively I shouted back crazily.The fear and despair that had been building up inside of me just came to an end.Ultimately，we were back，safe and sound.Sitting in the guestroom，I found it really blissful to be accompanied by your beloved ones！

點(diǎn)評(píng)

這篇習(xí)作主題突出且故事情節(jié)符合邏輯。第一段中“我從未見過(guò)這么可愛(ài)的動(dòng)物”與原文的思路契合、融洽度高，突出了作者對(duì)兔子的好奇和新鮮感。之后的情節(jié)是：不假思索地追兔子—失去兔子的蹤影—沉浸在自然美景中。這些也合情合理，尤其是對(duì)環(huán)境和景物的生動(dòng)描寫給讀者展現(xiàn)了一幅美麗的自然風(fēng)光畫面，烘托了作者騎馬出游時(shí)喜悅的心情。最后一句話it seemed difficult for us to go back，話鋒一轉(zhuǎn)，與第二段首句自然銜接。第二段中仍然使用景物描寫，并用lovely和horrible兩詞進(jìn)行對(duì)比，同時(shí)借助動(dòng)作描寫和副詞的使用如Instinctively I shouted back crazily，有效地體現(xiàn)了整個(gè)騎馬探險(xiǎn)過(guò)程中作者心情的變化：迷路前好奇愉悅—迷路后緊張害怕—獲救時(shí)激動(dòng)、如釋重負(fù)—回家后溫馨幸福。

習(xí)作中 使用 了豐富的詞 匯，如：creature，aroused one’s interest，be immersed in，luxuriant，perfume，instinctively，blissful等。語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)多樣化，包括：①倒裝結(jié)構(gòu)：Never had I seen such a lovely creature in my life so I followed its track without thinking twice；②定語(yǔ)從句：But the cute rabbit，which aroused my interest，was quickly out of sight；③非謂語(yǔ)結(jié)構(gòu)：I saw torchlight moving；④it作形式賓語(yǔ)：Sitting in the guestroom，I found it really blissful to be accompanied by your beloved ones！

改進(jìn)建議：①習(xí)作中共有6個(gè)劃線關(guān)鍵詞語(yǔ)，但是第一個(gè)劃線的track的意思是“蹤跡”，應(yīng)用復(fù)數(shù)形式tracks，且意思與原文不符，所以不能作為劃線關(guān)鍵詞語(yǔ)；②In the process of seeking for it中應(yīng)該去掉for；③The lovely plants around us turned into a horrible appearance.這句話雖然語(yǔ)法沒(méi)有問(wèn)題，但是語(yǔ)義存在問(wèn)題，建議改成：The lovely plants around us looked horrible now；④it was completely dark except the faint light given out of a few stars in the sky.此句中except應(yīng)改為except for，given out of應(yīng)改為given off by；⑤I found it really blissful to be accompanied by your beloved ones！這句話中人稱代詞不一致，your應(yīng)該改為our或my。

這篇習(xí)作產(chǎn)出202詞（不含開頭語(yǔ)），應(yīng)用了5個(gè)關(guān)鍵詞語(yǔ)。總的來(lái)說(shuō)，內(nèi)容豐富、情節(jié)合理、結(jié)構(gòu)緊湊、詞匯和語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)豐富、標(biāo)點(diǎn)準(zhǔn)確，建議判為第五檔。

學(xué)生習(xí)作2

Suddenly a little rabbit jumped out in front of my horse.So cute was it that I wanted to keep it as a pet.I would feed it and take it outside，playing with the sheep.Therefore，I asked my dad if I could do the thing.He agree me to catch it.However，the rabbit ran away right away.So we chased the rabbit until we found ourselves get lost.The rabbit disappeared and I didn’t keep to the track.What’s worse，the place was strange to us.

We had no idea where we were and it was getting dark.We looked at each other，not knowing what to do.Suddenly，we heard the voice of water rolling down the river."We can follow the river for it is near the farm house."My dad came up with his idea and we did follow the river.After an hour，we finally made it.Uncle Paul was waiting for us for supper.From that experience，I have learnt a lot.We should be careful and try to use our knowledge when in nature.

點(diǎn)評(píng)

這篇習(xí)作產(chǎn)出160詞（不含開頭語(yǔ)），應(yīng)用了6個(gè)關(guān)鍵詞語(yǔ)。設(shè)計(jì)了被兔子吸引、追逐兔子、迷路、沿河尋找出路、返回農(nóng)場(chǎng)等一系列情節(jié)，雖然沒(méi)有生動(dòng)的細(xì)節(jié)描寫，但是情節(jié)合理、思路清晰，且與所給短文融洽度較高，與所提供各段落的開頭語(yǔ)銜接較為緊密。文章的最后也有主題的呈現(xiàn)：如何野外生存。

習(xí)作中使用了一些較復(fù)雜的語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)：①倒裝結(jié)構(gòu)：So cute was it that I wanted to keep it as a pet；②非謂語(yǔ)結(jié)構(gòu)：I would feed it and take it outside，playing with the sheep.和We looked at each other，not knowing what to do。

修改建議：①I asked my dad if I could do the thing.應(yīng)改成do it或do so；②He agree me to catch it.此句中agree用法錯(cuò)誤，建議改成agreed；③So we chased the rabbit until we found ourselves get lost.這句話中用found ourselves lost即可，若一定要用get lost這個(gè)劃線的關(guān)鍵詞語(yǔ)，則應(yīng)改成：we found that we had got lost；④Suddenly，we heard the voice of water rolling down the river.此句中voice一詞使用不當(dāng)，應(yīng)改成sound?？傮w而言，該習(xí)作中的這些小錯(cuò)誤沒(méi)有影響意義的表達(dá)，可考慮判為第四檔。

學(xué)生習(xí)作3

Suddenly a little rabbit jumped out in front of my horse."Oh，dad，there is a rabbit in front of my horse.Let me look at it."I said.Then I got of my horse and approached the rabbit."It is hurt.Can I send it back to its home."I asked."Sure.But we should be hurry.Because we can’t be late for supper and your Uncle Paul will be anxious."dad said.So we began to find the home of the rabbit.But the mountains were so big that we can’t find the home of the rabbit.And we were so buried to find the home of the rabbit that we forgot to care about the track.When we sent the rabbit back，we found that we got lost.

We had no idea where we were and it was getting dark.Exhausted and tired，we were so worried about ourselves."Sorry，dad.If I didn’t want to send the rabbit back.Maybe we won’t get lost."I said."No，you didn’t make a mistake.On the contrary，you did good.And don’t worry，your uncle will find us.We just need to wait for him."Dad said.In the end，Uncle Paul found us and we got home back.To my surprise，they all didn’t blame me and praise me about it.After then，I became helpful and warm-hearted.

點(diǎn)評(píng)

這篇習(xí)作產(chǎn)出208詞（不含開頭語(yǔ)），應(yīng)用了5個(gè)關(guān)鍵詞語(yǔ)。內(nèi)容與所給短文關(guān)系密切，與所提供各段落的開頭語(yǔ)也有較好的銜接。續(xù)寫的故事是完整的，但情節(jié)的邏輯性不強(qiáng)。如：“我們”無(wú)法跟兔子交流，如何知道兔子的家在哪里？如何送兔子回家？文章的結(jié)尾“因?yàn)樗屯米踊丶?，從此我變得熱心了”這一主題也顯得有些牽強(qiáng)。另外，習(xí)作中使用了大量的對(duì)話，這是續(xù)寫中不建議的做法，因?yàn)檫^(guò)多的對(duì)話會(huì)使文章顯得啰唆，內(nèi)容不夠豐富，語(yǔ)言表達(dá)有限。

習(xí)作體現(xiàn)了該生嘗試較復(fù)雜的語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)的努力：①so...that...句型：But the mountains were so big that we can’t find the home of the rabbit.此句中can’t應(yīng)該為 couldn’t；②非謂語(yǔ)結(jié) 構(gòu)：Exhausted and tired，we were so worried about ourselves；③虛擬語(yǔ)氣：If I didn’t want to send the rabbit back.Maybe we won’t get lost.可惜時(shí)態(tài)和標(biāo)點(diǎn)符號(hào)用錯(cuò)了，應(yīng)改成：If I hadn’t wanted to send the rabbit back，maybe we wouldn’t have got lost。

與前兩篇相比，這篇習(xí)作中的語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤明顯增多，包括：①寫作規(guī)范，如大小寫（Dad）、標(biāo)點(diǎn)符號(hào)（Can I send it back to its home）；②動(dòng)詞時(shí)態(tài)和搭配，如got of my horse應(yīng)改為got off my horse，should be hurry應(yīng)改為should hurry，be buried to find 可改為be absorbed in finding，praise me about it應(yīng)改為praised me for it等；③語(yǔ)義表達(dá)錯(cuò)誤，如：考生原本想要表達(dá)“他們都沒(méi)有責(zé)備我，而是為此表?yè)P(yáng)了我”，但是他使用的這句話they all didn’t blame me and praise me about it.意思變成了“并非所有的人都責(zé)備我”，所以應(yīng)該改成none of them blamed me but praised me for it。

總體而言，該習(xí)作中雖然錯(cuò)誤不少，但是寫出了較多與短文相關(guān)的內(nèi)容，也嘗試使用較復(fù)雜的語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)，應(yīng)用的詞匯能基本滿足任務(wù)的要求，建議判為第三檔。

學(xué)生習(xí)作4

Suddenly a little rabbit jumped out in front of my horse.I felt so surprised because it was the first time I saw the little rabbit in the wild.My dad and I be quiet and followed the little rabbit.It stopped near a river and didn’t jumped.I wanted to got something to feed the rabbit.But when I approached，the rabbit was out of sight.I looked for it every place around us but didn’t find it again.When we looked the surrounding around us，we were so worried.

We had no idea where we were and it was getting dark.We knew that we were got lost.We didn’t where the farm house and didn’t find the way back.Suddenly，my dad said we had the track so that we can called the uncle Paul to picked us up.Finally，we backed to the farm house.This experience made me know that we shouldn’t follow the new things in the wild and when you went to the wild forest，must remember keep to the track so that you can be surveied.

點(diǎn)評(píng)

這篇習(xí)作產(chǎn)出161詞（不含開頭語(yǔ)），應(yīng)用了9個(gè)關(guān)鍵詞語(yǔ)，寫出了較多有關(guān)內(nèi)容，與所給短文關(guān)系較密切，與所提供各段落的開頭語(yǔ)也有較好的銜接。第一段的情節(jié)合理，但是在第二段中因?yàn)椴焕斫鈚rack一詞（誤認(rèn)為是通信工具），導(dǎo)致設(shè)計(jì)的情節(jié)不合邏輯。語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤非常多，主要體現(xiàn)在動(dòng)詞的使用，包括：①時(shí)態(tài)語(yǔ)態(tài)，如I saw the little rabbit應(yīng)改為had seen，be quiet應(yīng)改為 kept quiet，we were got lost應(yīng)改為 we had got lost，we backed to the farm house應(yīng)改為we went back to the farm house，can be surveyed（該詞拼寫錯(cuò)誤）應(yīng)改為can survive；②動(dòng)詞搭配，如wanted to got應(yīng)改為wanted to get，looked the surrounding應(yīng)改為looked at the surroundings等；③句子結(jié)構(gòu)不完整，如We didn’t where the farm house and didn’t find the way back.一句應(yīng)改為We didn’t know where the farm house was and couldn’t find the way back。這些語(yǔ)法和詞匯方面的錯(cuò)誤影響了意義的表達(dá)，建議判為第二檔。

學(xué)生習(xí)作5

Suddenly a little rabbit jumped out in front of my horse.I am hard to see a rabbit，so I want to catch it.But our horses was be shocked.So it ran in a mess.My dad can’t conture it at all.When the horse came down.We were lost our way home.I was novires and asked my dad.“Did we get lost.”My dad sad we well find the way.

We had no idea where we were and it was getting dark.This is my first time that I got lost.I was so sciard that my heart jumped so fast.Uncle Paul must worried about us.But luckly，we saw a river.The river is bigger and the water is slower than the river near the Uncle Paul’s farm house.So we can go back with the river.Spend not much time，we saw the sight and the voice of the sheep.We got back finally.

點(diǎn)評(píng)

這篇習(xí)作產(chǎn)出137詞（不含開頭語(yǔ)），應(yīng)用了6個(gè)關(guān)鍵詞語(yǔ)，寫出了一些有關(guān)內(nèi)容，與所給短文關(guān)系較密切。但是，習(xí)作語(yǔ)言面貌簡(jiǎn)陋，大多是簡(jiǎn)單句，而且有大量的拼寫錯(cuò)誤（conture，came down，novires，My dad sad we well find the way，sciard，luckly）和語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤（our horses was be shocked;We were lost our way home;This is my first time that I got lost;Uncle Paul must worried about us等）。更糟糕的是，文章中許多語(yǔ)句是根據(jù)漢語(yǔ)思維翻譯過(guò)來(lái)的，詞不達(dá)意。如：I am hard to see a rabbit;So we can go back with the river;Spend not much time，we saw the sight and the voice of the sheep等。

總之，這篇習(xí)作產(chǎn)出內(nèi)容較少，語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)單調(diào)，詞匯數(shù)目有限，有較多錯(cuò)誤，且這些錯(cuò)誤嚴(yán)重影響了意義的表達(dá)，建議判為第一檔。

結(jié)語(yǔ)

從2018年6月高考英語(yǔ)讀后續(xù)寫考生答題情況來(lái)看，學(xué)生的讀后續(xù)寫能力有了較明顯的進(jìn)步。筆者認(rèn)為原因有二：其一，與上次試題相比，本次試題文本解讀相對(duì)容易，故事有明確的主線和情節(jié)發(fā)展方向，開放性不是特別大，所以學(xué)生的創(chuàng)作不太會(huì)偏離主線；其二，讀后續(xù)寫連續(xù)考了三次，老師們對(duì)于評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)已經(jīng)比較清楚，在兩年的備考過(guò)程中已經(jīng)探究出不少行之有效的教學(xué)策略以提高學(xué)生的讀后續(xù)寫能力，學(xué)生也建立了自己的學(xué)習(xí)資料庫(kù)，積累了較多好詞佳句，豐富了詞匯和表達(dá)，尤其是增強(qiáng)了形象生動(dòng)的細(xì)節(jié)描寫。

王初明指出，讀后續(xù)寫是結(jié)合閱讀理解進(jìn)行寫作練習(xí)的一種方法，是提高外語(yǔ)學(xué)習(xí)效率的好方法。要提高學(xué)生的讀后續(xù)寫能力，教師既要培養(yǎng)學(xué)生的綜合語(yǔ)言運(yùn)用能力，又要發(fā)展學(xué)生的思維，尤其是邏輯思維能力和創(chuàng)新思維能力。因此，在今后的英語(yǔ)教學(xué)過(guò)程中，教師應(yīng)在立足課本的同時(shí)有效補(bǔ)充課外閱讀材料，重視培養(yǎng)學(xué)生深度解讀文本的能力和分類積累語(yǔ)言素材的意識(shí)，通過(guò)開展微寫作，提高學(xué)生讀后續(xù)寫的技能。